I had a conversation with the TMS doctor today. I’ve been steadily getting worse since I started it. My weekends have been horrible. I’ve never heard of anyone getting worse from doing TMS but it looks like I am getting worse.
I was talking to my therapist last night. He said that I was doing better before I started and I seem to have been dropping very steadily since I began the TMS. After I thought about it I had to agree with him. I guess I was hoping it could still work but at this point if there is no improvement after 25 sessions at all then it is very doubtful that there will be any improvement at all.
So I am going to go through Friday and if I still have no improvement I am going to stop. I am sad to have another failed attempt at coming out of depression. It sucks so bad to struggle with this all the time.
I had a really bad morning. I ended up self harming today. I’m not proud of it. Some days it’s all I can do. I wanted to scream “I AM NOT OKAY!” But who would I scream it to and what good would it do.
There are times I really hate how dependent I feel on therapy. I don’t have group or individual this week. I couldn’t fit my individual in because of the TMS and group is cancelled because Monday is a holiday. I feel an amazing amount of stress about not having anything at all. I hate that I am so stressed about it.
I didn’t do anything productive today or yesterday. I slept almost the entire day yesterday. At least I managed to stay awake today. I am doing a little better now than I was doing this morning. I distracted myself for a while by chatting with a friend on the internet and it brought my mood up a little bit.
I’m frustrated because I was really hoping that the TMS would be showing some results at this point and I’m actually feeling lower now than I was when I started. It’s not good.
Today is my 12th day of TMS. It’s been 16 days since I started. I’ve been really low and sad. I have an issue with self-harm but I hadn’t cut since April. Unfortunately I cut on Sunday. All last week it was banging at my brain, not the TMS, the need to self-harm. I actually feel lower than when I started the TMS. I know someone who is also doing TMS and they said that they had a dip before it started to get better. I hope so. I really thought this would be an answer.
My motivation is really low. My mood is really low. I feel cranky and irritable. I ended up waking up with a headache this morning. That doesn’t happen to me very often but it such a crappy way to start the day.
Day six today. I’m feeling low still. Probably a four.
The pain didn’t feel like much of anything today. The doctor said after a while you get used to it. He was right. I was a little worried going back after a couple days off. I thought it would hurt a lot again but it didn’t.
The top of my head is a little bit sensitive. I took Advil yesterday on an empty stomach with no water, dry swallowed, and ended up with en entire day of horrible heartburn. won’t do that again.
Today was a bit more trying than they other days. I was very tired today. I visited some friends yesterday and got home really late and then couldn’t fall asleep at all so I was tired and worn out when I showed up for the TMS. It’s hard to have to put up with pain by choice when you are tired and cranky.
It seemed to hurt more today and I’m sure it’s because I was so tired and cranky. Tomorrow is the end of my first week then I get a couple days off before I go back on Monday. I’m glad that I have the weekends off. I feel like I need a break.