I had a conversation with the TMS doctor today. I’ve been steadily getting worse since I started it. My weekends have been horrible. I’ve never heard of anyone getting worse from doing TMS but it looks like I am getting worse.
I was talking to my therapist last night. He said that I was doing better before I started and I seem to have been dropping very steadily since I began the TMS. After I thought about it I had to agree with him. I guess I was hoping it could still work but at this point if there is no improvement after 25 sessions at all then it is very doubtful that there will be any improvement at all.
So I am going to go through Friday and if I still have no improvement I am going to stop. I am sad to have another failed attempt at coming out of depression. It sucks so bad to struggle with this all the time.
I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.
I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.
I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.
I had a really bad morning. I ended up self harming today. I’m not proud of it. Some days it’s all I can do. I wanted to scream “I AM NOT OKAY!” But who would I scream it to and what good would it do.
There are times I really hate how dependent I feel on therapy. I don’t have group or individual this week. I couldn’t fit my individual in because of the TMS and group is cancelled because Monday is a holiday. I feel an amazing amount of stress about not having anything at all. I hate that I am so stressed about it.
I didn’t do anything productive today or yesterday. I slept almost the entire day yesterday. At least I managed to stay awake today. I am doing a little better now than I was doing this morning. I distracted myself for a while by chatting with a friend on the internet and it brought my mood up a little bit.
I’m frustrated because I was really hoping that the TMS would be showing some results at this point and I’m actually feeling lower now than I was when I started. It’s not good.
After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.
Today is my 12th day of TMS. It’s been 16 days since I started. I’ve been really low and sad. I have an issue with self-harm but I hadn’t cut since April. Unfortunately I cut on Sunday. All last week it was banging at my brain, not the TMS, the need to self-harm. I actually feel lower than when I started the TMS. I know someone who is also doing TMS and they said that they had a dip before it started to get better. I hope so. I really thought this would be an answer.
My motivation is really low. My mood is really low. I feel cranky and irritable. I ended up waking up with a headache this morning. That doesn’t happen to me very often but it such a crappy way to start the day.
Feeling even lower. Probably down to a three. I’m really sad and irritable today. The irritability worries me because when I become hypomanic I get really irritable. I’m hoping it’s not a result of the TMS.
Day six today. I’m feeling low still. Probably a four.
The pain didn’t feel like much of anything today. The doctor said after a while you get used to it. He was right. I was a little worried going back after a couple days off. I thought it would hurt a lot again but it didn’t.