I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.
I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.
I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.
I had a really bad morning. I ended up self harming today. I’m not proud of it. Some days it’s all I can do. I wanted to scream “I AM NOT OKAY!” But who would I scream it to and what good would it do.
There are times I really hate how dependent I feel on therapy. I don’t have group or individual this week. I couldn’t fit my individual in because of the TMS and group is cancelled because Monday is a holiday. I feel an amazing amount of stress about not having anything at all. I hate that I am so stressed about it.
I didn’t do anything productive today or yesterday. I slept almost the entire day yesterday. At least I managed to stay awake today. I am doing a little better now than I was doing this morning. I distracted myself for a while by chatting with a friend on the internet and it brought my mood up a little bit.
I’m frustrated because I was really hoping that the TMS would be showing some results at this point and I’m actually feeling lower now than I was when I started. It’s not good.
I had been doing really well with not self harming. I hadn’t cut since December 31, 2013. I cut today.
A few months ago I had given all my tools to my therapist. I went around and found every implement I could find that I could use to cut. Every pocket knife, every razor blade, every box cutter. Today I was desperate and I tore apart my tool box and found a box cutter.
I spent most of the morning lying in bed thinking about not cutting. I guess that’s the same of trying to avoid thinking of a pink elephant by thinking about a grey one. It didn’t work.
Now my thigh stings and I just want to go back to bed.
Wow, I am really having a bad day. I can’t sleep because the damn Fetzima is too activating. So I was in a really bad bad place. The box cutter wasn’t sharp and I just gave myself some shallow cuts earlier. I was still very weepy and struggling. I was digging in a drawer for something and I found a packing package that came with a box marker and a brand new box cutter that I didn’t know I had. I dragged it across my arm to see how sharp it was and I was surprised how sharp it really was. I ended up using it to cut my other thigh and gave myself a pretty good cut. Finally it was enough to get me to stop crying. So now I have 6 shallow cuts on one thigh, a cut on my arm, and a deep cut on my other thigh. So yeah, I’m falling apart.
I really think I need to get off the damn Saphris but I’m afraid to just stop it because I know I can’t sleep on the Fetzima. I could call my doc but it’s the weekend and I know I’ll just get the on call doc. I doubt that my doc is the on call doc and whenever I talk to another doc they never seem to have any good advice.
I’ve been on the Brintellix for nearly a month. It doesn’t feel like it’s doing anything at all. I’m not having any adverse side effects but I’m also not feeling any better. I have had a few episodes with anger and I don’t get angry. I know that seems contradictory to a person with Borderline Personality Disorder but I’ve never been a person to react to anything with anger. I’m more likely to feel hurt than angry.
I don’t know if the anger and irritability is from the medication or just from stress. I’m not really sure what is me anymore and what is medication. I wanted to stop Meds to see but my doctor didn’t think it was a good idea.
I’m seeing my doc next week. I wonder if he will up the dosage. I believe it can go up to 20 mg. I’m currently on 10 mg.
I had given all my self harm tools to my therapist. I’ve been really struggling lately and today I bought a new pocket knife. I know I shouldn’t it just helps my anxiety more than anything else. It helps with the overwhelming emotions. I wish I was one of those people that could exercise my stress away but I’m a potato. I’ve tried to exercise. I suck at it. I can’t get into it, I get dizzy and light headed. I don’t know. I guess I will consider myself cured when my go to thought isn’t cutting.
I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.
My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.
The worst part of living alone is being alone.
Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.
I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.
It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.
I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?
Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.
I totally stopped the Remeron. I’m really hoping that I can lose some of the weight that I gained while on it. I hate how much I weigh.
I’m not feeling foggy anymore. A little bit of dizziness but not terrible and it’s occasional. My mood today is okay again but I had a very busy day. I do better when I have things I have to do. I’m very worried about school vacation next week. I don’t do well with unstructured time. It’s really hard for me to have any motivation. I guess we will see.
Still haven’t self harmed. I’m pretty happy about that.
I’ve had a couple dizzy spells. I had to stop walking in the hallway and lean against a wall because I felt like everything was spinning. I had eaten and drank so I wasn’t dehydrated and I didn’t have low blood sugar.
I’m feeling okay today. I was feeling okay yesterday. That’s definitely better than miserable. I spent time with other people yesterday and today. The real test is if I feel okay when I’m alone and if I can motivate myself to get things done when I’m alone.
I had group therapy yesterday and one on one therapy today. I feel like I really got a lot out of both. That’s a lot of therapy in two days.
I haven’t felt like self harming since I did last on New Year’s Eve. It feels good that I have been able to keep from hurting myself.