Depression is evil. If you suffer from depression people get frustrated with you. They think that it’s a choice. The last thing I would choose is to have no motivation. Right now I can’t do anything. I can’t clean my house, do my dishes, play with my animals…
I spend so much time in bed that I’ve begun to hate my bed but I can’t keep myself from going back over and over again. I spent most of today in bed. I haven’t done anything productive. I have prescriptions to fill but I can’t leave the house. My bed feels safe but I don’t know what I need to feel safe from.
I haven’t had a call from a friend all week. I feel lost and unhappy. I don’t want to call anyone because when I’m this depressed I tend to isolate myself. I hide away from people.
I don’t know what to do with myself and I can’t stand living in my own skin.
People support other people when they have illnesses that they understand. I know people who have made dinners to help people, who have helped them with their houses. None of this happens when you struggle with mental illness. I’m expected to get over it. When it’s really bad I just can’t. I can’t do anything. I wish I felt supported by people I’m not paying to support me. My therapist supports me but I pay him to.
I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.
I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.
I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.
I’m feeling very low today. I’ve spent most of my day in bed. I get up for a little while and find myself going right back and going back to sleep. I got up about 45 minutes ago and ate something and I’m really struggling to keep myself up when all I really want to do is go back to bed again. I was having really bad dreams. When I sleep too much I usually have bad dreams.
I don’t have therapy at all this upcoming week which is unusual for me. I have a weekly group and an individual T. Group is cancelled because of the holiday and I can’t fit my individual T in because of my TMS appointments and work.
I have all day today, tomorrow, and Monday with nothing at all. No work because of the weekend and the holiday. I have such a hard time with unscheduled time. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything.
Day six today. I’m feeling low still. Probably a four.
The pain didn’t feel like much of anything today. The doctor said after a while you get used to it. He was right. I was a little worried going back after a couple days off. I thought it would hurt a lot again but it didn’t.
So today was the last day of my first week of TMS. I’m feeling pretty low today. Maybe a four on a scale of 1 – 10
No side effects beyond the sensitivity of the top of my head. It’s mild though and I can only feel it occasionally. The pain wasn’t that bad today. I wasn’t as cranky as yesterday and I’m sure that is related to my tolerance level. No headache after the treatment was over.
Today was my first day of TMS. Today’s appointment was about an hour and a half. My regular appointment will be 38 minutes.
The doctor started by mapping my brain. They put the pulse on low and watch for your fingers to twitch. When they figured out where my settings were they figured out how high a pulse I needed. The initial pulse wasn’t bad at all.
When they started the actual treatment it was a little bit painful. It’s a series of pulses for 20 seconds then a pause in between. It felt like a woodpecker trying to find a bug in my head. while the pulses were happening I would feel a small headache in another area of my head but it went away when he pulses stopped. I didn’t have a headache afterwards. I managed to get up to 105% on the first day. They need to get to 120%. I’m sure we will get there tomorrow without a problem. After a few minutes at each level, they started at 80%, it didn’t hurt as much and they were able to go up. It did cause my nose to twitch uncontrollably at first so they moved it around a little bit. It still makes my nose twitch but it’s not uncomfortable.
Thank god I stopped the Depakote. I’m still depressed, I’m still low but I’m not totally suicidal. I wouldn’t kill myself but holy shit the Depakote made me want to. I’ve also realized that I need to stop the Ambien. It helps me fall asleep but I’m so tired all day. I’m barely hanging on and all I want to do is sleep. I think part of that was the Depakote but I think the Ambien is adding to it.