Tough day today #depression #bipolar New blog post

I’m feeling very low today. I’ve spent most of my day in bed. I get up for a little while and find myself going right back and going back to sleep. I got up about 45 minutes ago and ate something and I’m really struggling to keep myself up when all I really want to do is go back to bed again. I was having really bad dreams. When I sleep too much I usually have bad dreams.

I don’t have therapy at all this upcoming week which is unusual for me. I have a weekly group and an individual T. Group is cancelled because of the holiday and I can’t fit my individual T in because of my TMS appointments and work.

I have all day today, tomorrow, and Monday with nothing at all. No work because of the weekend and the holiday. I have such a hard time with unscheduled time. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything.

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Luvox – doing okay today. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

Luvox 75 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Ambien 5 mg as needed

I’m feeling okay today. I actually managed to get a lot of household chores done this morning which feels like a miracle because it’s usually so hard for me to get up enough energy to do anything. I’m wondering if it’s the Luvox.

I’m doing okay with not having side effects. We had tried it at 100mg but I couldn’t sleep. I was also taking it at night and it was activating me. I wonder if I Adan go back up to 100 mg now that I’m taking it in the morning and I do have the Ambien if I need it. I can’t take the Ambien all the time though because it wears me out. Even though I sleep good it makes me tired the whole next day.

I’m hoping I can hold onto this.

I’m working on getting rTMS as well. I should be doing it this summer.

A week on Depakote feeling really low, very sad. New blog post #bipolar

I’ve been on the lowest dose of Depakote for a week. I’m supposed to up my dose today. I’m not okay. I’m struggling with my low mood. I’m so damn tired of feeling this way. If I had a crystal ball that told me I would always feel this way and nothing was going to help I would tap out. I hate feeling like this.

Spending time with people sometimes helps in the moment but not always. Yesterday I had a long day with people and I found myself sinking into sadness randomly throughout the day. I would just feel overwhelmed by it.

We are on school vacation and have the next week off. I hate vacations. I can’t handle all this time. Although lately I can’t handle work anymore either. I feel overwhelmed by every little bit of stress at work. I used to feel like I could handle stress pretty well. Now I feel like it knocks me flat.

I finally slept well last night for the first time all week. I’ve been waking up at three in the morning and struggling to fall back asleep.

Sometimes I wonder of all these medications have made me worse rather than better. I don’t remember having such bad anxiety before I was on medications. What would happen if I slowly tapered off everything. I can’t feel worse than to do right now. I know the medications are not helping me.

Mental health blog #bipolar #bpd – stopped Saphris

Fetzima 20 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Ambien 10 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg

Stopped Saphris. I was a mess. I ended up talking to my Psychiatrist at 10:30 p.m. on Sunday night. I had emailed my therapist on Sunday morning that I was a total mess. My therapist didn’t get the email until the evening. He texted my Psychiatrist and had him call me. He was amazing. When I told him what was going on he realized that the Fetzima was too activating at that dose and the Saphris was just not working for me. I also was having a horrible time sleeping. Even though the Saphris was supposed to help me sleep.

I had a horrible headache the first morning after the Ambien but at least I slept. I went to bed early last night and woke up eight hours later feeling like I actually slept. No headache. I did take an Advil before I went to bed though just in case.

Still feeling weepy but I’ve only been off the Saphris for two days. Hopefully I feel better soon.

Still some nausea. Especially after I eat. Struggling to eat all all on some days. You’d think I’d be losing weight but nope.

Fetzima and Saphris New blog post #fetzima #saphris #depression #bpd #bipolar

Fetzima 40 mg
Saphris 5 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg

Side effects – constipation, some light headedness, dizzy

I finally started taking two doses of Benefiber a day because the constipation was killing me and laxatives make me totally miserable for six hours or more. Thank goodness it worked. I will probably stay on the twice a day dose of Benefiber.

I don’t have the surge of energy I had when I was on just the Fetzima which may have been a bit manic. I think the Saphris has evened me out a bit. I’m not running around but I’m also not wishing I was in bed every minute of the day so I am hoping this continues to work.

I’m not happy that the Fetzima costs me $45 for a months supply and since I’m still on samples of the Saprhris I’m afraid that the copay for that will be $45 too. There aren’t generic Meds for either of these. That means that the four Meds will be about $110 a month. That’s a lot. My old Meds were only $10 or less so it was under $40 a month. The price we pay to be sane I guess.

The Saphris does help me sleep but I really hate the numb tongue and the flavor of it.

OMG I can move today! New blog post. #fetzima #saphris

Fetzima 40 mg
Saphris 5 mg – just started last night
Klonopin 1 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg

OMG I don’t even know where to start. I actually did things today!

I ended up sleeping until 10:30 this morning from starting the Saphris last night. I woke up and ate something, then I trimmed my hair and took a shower. I ran some errands. When I got home I cleaned a couple of the bird cages and organized their food bowls. I have a little headache now but I can’t believe I actually had the energy to get some things done.

Yesterday I even went to the grocery store. I haven’t gone to the grocery store in over a month.

I should have titled this post when antidepressants work. 🙂 I really hope it lasts and doesn’t poop out on me.

People who don’t suffer from depression don’t realize that I don’t choose to be unhappy. I don’t choose to sit around doing nothing and I definitely don’t choose to sleep all day. The depression just overwhelms me. It’s such a relief when I can get stuff done. It’s such a relief to not spend the entire day in bed wishing I was dead.

The side effects of antidepressants – how long is it worth it? New blog post

Fetzima 40 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Saphris 5 mg – starting this weekend

I’ve been struggling with side effects lately. I was on Remeron for a long time but between the weight gain, the constant need to urinate, and it losing it’s efficacy my doctor and I decided to move onto something else.

I started Brintellix. I didn’t really have a lot of side effects at first; some itching. It wasn’t until we increased the dose to 20 mg that I had a series of major anxiety attacks. My doctor told me that three out of the 10 people he has tried on it have had the same issue.

Last week he switched me to Fetzima. The first day I was violently ill. I woke up dry heaving so hard that my eyeballs hurt. I also had bad diarrhea. I had to call in sick to work that day. For the past week I’ve been really struggling with the side effects. It’s hard at work to explain them because people think I’m really sick but it’s just side effects.

Trouble concentrating, dizzy spells, nausea, difficulty sleeping, major constipation. I hadn’t had a bowel movement since that first day. After a week I was starting to get very uncomfortable. I asked the pharmacist what to do. He said that I needed a laxative. A couple times in my life I’ve tried taking a laxative and it has always turned out to hard on my system. I asked if there wasn’t something else I could do. He said to try Ducolax. I took it last night because it says gentle, overnight relief on the box. I did not have gentle anything. After a few hours I started dry heaving. After a few more hours the major diarrhea started. I was up half the night dry heaving into a bucket while sitting on the toilet. I also woke up with a horrible headache before it all started. About the same time I started feeling like I was going to throw up.

I had to call in sick to work again today. I hate this. I’m not sick. I’m reacting to medications that are supposed to make me feel better.

I’m afraid to start the Saphris. I’m supposed to start it tomorrow but it comes with an entire list of side effects. I’m so afraid to add those on top of the ones I’m feeling now. The idea makes me want to cry.