I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.
I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.
I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.
I had a really bad morning. I ended up self harming today. I’m not proud of it. Some days it’s all I can do. I wanted to scream “I AM NOT OKAY!” But who would I scream it to and what good would it do.
There are times I really hate how dependent I feel on therapy. I don’t have group or individual this week. I couldn’t fit my individual in because of the TMS and group is cancelled because Monday is a holiday. I feel an amazing amount of stress about not having anything at all. I hate that I am so stressed about it.
I didn’t do anything productive today or yesterday. I slept almost the entire day yesterday. At least I managed to stay awake today. I am doing a little better now than I was doing this morning. I distracted myself for a while by chatting with a friend on the internet and it brought my mood up a little bit.
I’m frustrated because I was really hoping that the TMS would be showing some results at this point and I’m actually feeling lower now than I was when I started. It’s not good.
After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.
Today is my 12th day of TMS. It’s been 16 days since I started. I’ve been really low and sad. I have an issue with self-harm but I hadn’t cut since April. Unfortunately I cut on Sunday. All last week it was banging at my brain, not the TMS, the need to self-harm. I actually feel lower than when I started the TMS. I know someone who is also doing TMS and they said that they had a dip before it started to get better. I hope so. I really thought this would be an answer.
My motivation is really low. My mood is really low. I feel cranky and irritable. I ended up waking up with a headache this morning. That doesn’t happen to me very often but it such a crappy way to start the day.
I’m totally falling apart on the Fetzima. I burst into tears in front of a total stranger on Thursday. I spent almost the entire day Friday sobbing. It was terrible. I was at work and I spent most of the day hiding to try to hide my tears. Unfortunately when you spend more than half the day crying it’s nearly impossible to hide that much.
My anxiety is up. I used to only take the Klonopin at night. Lately I’ve been taking it during the day to tame down the anxiety. Not at work, I don’t want to come across as loopy at all at work. But in the afternoons I need to settle all this anxiety down.
I’m also hyper aroused. It’s embarrassing to say but I’ve masterbated five times today and it still doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable and frustrating.
I know my speech is rushed and disconnected. I went out to dinner with a friend last night and she commented on it. I feel like I’m going a hundred miles an hour but at the same time I can’t move.
I had been doing really well with not self harming. I hadn’t cut since December 31, 2013. I cut today.
A few months ago I had given all my tools to my therapist. I went around and found every implement I could find that I could use to cut. Every pocket knife, every razor blade, every box cutter. Today I was desperate and I tore apart my tool box and found a box cutter.
I spent most of the morning lying in bed thinking about not cutting. I guess that’s the same of trying to avoid thinking of a pink elephant by thinking about a grey one. It didn’t work.
Now my thigh stings and I just want to go back to bed.
Wow, I am really having a bad day. I can’t sleep because the damn Fetzima is too activating. So I was in a really bad bad place. The box cutter wasn’t sharp and I just gave myself some shallow cuts earlier. I was still very weepy and struggling. I was digging in a drawer for something and I found a packing package that came with a box marker and a brand new box cutter that I didn’t know I had. I dragged it across my arm to see how sharp it was and I was surprised how sharp it really was. I ended up using it to cut my other thigh and gave myself a pretty good cut. Finally it was enough to get me to stop crying. So now I have 6 shallow cuts on one thigh, a cut on my arm, and a deep cut on my other thigh. So yeah, I’m falling apart.
I really think I need to get off the damn Saphris but I’m afraid to just stop it because I know I can’t sleep on the Fetzima. I could call my doc but it’s the weekend and I know I’ll just get the on call doc. I doubt that my doc is the on call doc and whenever I talk to another doc they never seem to have any good advice.
I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.
My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.
The worst part of living alone is being alone.
Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.
I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.
It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.
I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?
Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.