New Blog Post – When #depression is winning #parenting #autism #FAS #RAD #BPD

It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.

I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.

I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.

I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.


My son’s diagnosis #FAS #ADHD #learning #RAD new blog post

We met with my son’s neuro doc today. She gave us the results of his testing. It feels so hopeless. He has so many problems. How does one little boy with two divorced parents and an autistic brother overcome all this?

It’s scary when the doc tells you that your son isn’t safe. That we shouldn’t ever leave him alone with his brother because he has no impulse controls and could really hurt him.

The doc told us that our son’s frontal love is so underdeveloped that he’s almost entirely living in his amygdala. That means that he’s almost primal in all his responses. She also said that his working memory is significantly lacking.

It is all so overwhelming.

Axis I:​ ​Reactive Attachment Disorder
​Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
​Mood Disorder-NOS
​Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – NOS
​Cognitive Disorder-NOS
​Learning Disability – Written Expression, Reading Comprehension, Basic
​Reading, Mathematics Computation

Axis III:​Frontal lobe weaknesses, neurological/developmental delays due to prenatal exposure to alcohol, processing speed inefficiency, weak working memory, slow graphomotor speed, weak sustained mental control

Axis IV:​Orphanage living, noise sensitivities, academic weaknesses, word retrieval difficulties, weak social skills, parent separation, school related anxiety

#Parenting – #FAS #autism #RAD new blog post. It’s hard not to give up

I am having a really hard time with my kids. My ex has always been very solid with the boys. Lately she’s falling apart and trying to lean on me for support. I don’t have the emotional stability to support myself. How am I supposed to support someone else? It has become so hopeless. It feels like it will never get better and our entire lives will be a war that we can’t win.
I’m tired of getting emails from my son’s teacher of his unacceptable behaviors. I’m tired of feeling the horrible churning in my stomach when I know it is my weekend with the kids because I know it will result it my kids emotionally and sometimes physically beating me up.
We are waiting on the results of my oldest’s testing. Hopefully that will be the ammunition we need to bring to the school to help get the proper placement for him. He doesn’t belong in public school and I feel so badly for his teacher who has to put up with him disrupting her class every day.
My youngest doesn’t want to come to my house at all. Whenever he’s here he starts screaming and crying that he wants to go home. How do you argue with that? He doesn’t want to be here and he’s starting to hate and resent me because he has to come here. I’ve tried to convince my ex that by forcing him to be here we are ruining any chance of a good relationship between the two of us.
The visits are so much easier when I have one at a time. They fight so much that they become escalated then the fireworks start all over again.
I’m so tired of the battle.

New blog post #RAD #FAS #Autism

My oldest son was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. He also has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and severe ADHD. My youngest son has Autism, severe ADHD and severe anxiety. How am I supposed to be a parent to all this? How am I supposed to survive thus journey?

I remember adopting my boys. All I could see were the possibilities. I thought about them going to college, about them getting married some day. I saw a future. Now I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of how difficult their lives will always be. I’m afraid that they will end up on drugs, in jail or dead. I want good things for them but I can no longer see those things in their future. I’m so afraid that I’m not up to the task of being their parent.

How do I deal with all this? I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is so hard. I wish I could curl up in a ball in the corner with my arms over my head and just give up.

Everyone asks how my kids are doing. What do I tell them? That my youngest son told me to fuck off? I thought that wouldn’t happen until high school…he’s only eight. He tells me he hates me. I know other kids tell their parents that but I believe him. I believe that he hates me. He throws things at me and hits me. It’s so hard.

My other son steals, lies, hurts other people…he stabbed his teacher with a pencil. What do I do with that?

I wish I knew what to do. How will I survive this? How will they?