Having a difficult day – New Blog Post #depression #tms #bipolar #selfharm

After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.

I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.

It’s tough when you find out your parents were mentally ill #bipolar #schizophrenia #depressiom

Both my parents died a long time ago. It’s been 25 years since my father died. I don’t know a lot about him. Today my brother told me that he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and was manic depressive. Obviously they call that bipolar now. I didn’t know this about my dad. I remember him “going away” for a while. I thought he went to dry out. Turns out he had a nervous breakdown. I didn’t know that either.

I don’t know what mental illnesses are inheritable and which ones aren’t and honestly I’m too tired to look on the internet right now. I guess I’m in shock. It’s hard learning new things about your parents when you are 43. My brother said that he has paperwork that states those diagnosis.

I guess I am amazed that I’m not more messed up than I am. I don’t know how to process this. I’ll bring it up with my therapist.

It’s so hard when everybody is dead. What do you do when life = pain #depression #death

In group last night we talked about death. I should say that other people talked about death and I was triggered. I lost both my parents when I was young. One when I was in high school and the other when I was in my 20s. They both died from alcohol abuse. Alcohol use, abuse…what’s the difference.

My mother died from cirrhosis of the liver. When we cleaned out her apartment we found so many empty vodka bottles hidden around her house. She lived alone. Why the hell did she hide her bottles. She could have thrown them away in a black trash bag and no one would have known. Instead she was so deep in her addiction that she had to hide them. Even from herself. She was only 55 when she died alone, on the floor of her apartment.

My father died while I was in high school. I knew something was wrong. We didn’t see him much those days. My parents were divorced and we were teenagers so dinner with good ole dad wasn’t high on our list of things we wanted to do. We went to dinner with him and he looked like a skeleton. He looked anorexic. We asked him what the hell was going on. We could tell that something was wrong. He blamed it on his new dentures. He should have blamed it on his drinking.

He died, alone in his apartment. He was only found when his neighbors stated to smell his rotting corpse. The idea horrifies me. How long was he lying there dead? How long does a body take to smell that badly? It was April so it wasn’t hot or cold. I can’t get it out of my head that he just died there and wasn’t found until he smelled.

My parents were not good parents. They were both very wrapped up in themselves and didn’t have a lot of time for my brother and me. It felt like we were just left to raise ourselves. There were so many times that I needed a parent and my parents were never there. Not when they were alive and obviously not when they were dead.

They divorced when I was 9. It was horrible. They used us in every way possible to get at each other. All of those rules of what you aren’t supposed to do to your kids during a divorce…my parents did just the opposite. They played us against each other. They put us in the middle of their fight. They yelled at us and blamed us if they thought we were on the wrong “side”. I got this treatment the most. My brother would just play the sides. Whomever he was with was who he agreed with. I couldn’t do that. I was so angry. I hated being used.

We used to have to spend every weekend at my father’s apartment. I hated it. My father moved every year so we never got to know any of the kids in the area. I always hated those visits. I hated being forced to be there. We were always so bored. Unless my father got really drunk. Which he did often. There were times when it was so bad that we would call our mother because we were scared. She loved that. She loved having that ammunition against him. When she picked us up he would follow us out of the apartment screaming at us and screaming at her. Calling her a whore, a cunt… It was terrifying for me.

Then he died. When I was at my father’s funeral I asked my brother how long he thought mom would live. I knew that alcohol was going to take her too. It did, ten years later she died.

My brother and I never got along. We fought constantly as kids. He was pretty violent with me when we were kids. He had such a bad temper. He punched a hole in my bedroom door once when I was a teenager. When I complained to my parents about being beat up or him attacking me I got blamed. “Why do you instigate with him?” “Just leave him alone.” As I was bleeding. They never protected me from anything.

I still react so poorly to the whole thing. I don’t know how to come to terms with it. I hurt, and I still hurt that they never loved me like they should have. I guess that’s why I got so triggered in group last night. I’m still angry about my parents. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to move on.

New blog post #Brintellix #bipolar #bpd #depression

Brintellix 10 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg

No side effects.

I’m not sure how I am doing today. I’m stuck at home because of a snow storm and I hate being so isolated. Sometimes it’s so hard to live alone. I ended up taking a two hour nap. Not because I was tired but because I just didn’t want to be awake and deal with how I was feeling. So I guess that means I’m not doing that great. Back to work tomorrow then 10 days off from work. I really hate school vacations. It’s just too much time for me to deal with.

While I was napping I had a dream about my son. He was hurt and I couldn’t help him. It was a horrible feeling and I woke up feeling so sad. I haven’t seen my kids much. My ex is so emotionally aggressive with me. I don’t understand why she thinks that my kids would be better off without seeing me but she knows how to make me feel like the worst parent in the world. It breaks my heart and I really miss my kids. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

New Blog Post – When #depression is winning #parenting #autism #FAS #RAD #BPD

It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.

I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.

I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.

I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.

#HurricaneSandy staying home from work is not good for someone who struggles with #depression

I haven’t really left the house since Friday night. Normally I don’t have my kids full time but my ex is at the end of her rope so I’ve taken my oldest since Friday. Of course we’ve been stuck in the house for days and I feel like I’m going crazy. I am starting to lose my nut. My son is really driving me off the deep end. His behaviors are over the top.
I don’t tend to do well when I’m stuck in the house. I do much better when I can be with other people this doesn’t work well for me. I can feel my anxiety going up. My stress level is very high.
I don’t like when my anxiety is high like this. My poor coping mechanisms start knocking on the door. No I don’t want to self-harm. It’s been since April and I want to keep it that way. But it’s such an easy way to deal with these horrible feelings.

#Parenting – #FAS #autism #RAD new blog post. It’s hard not to give up

I am having a really hard time with my kids. My ex has always been very solid with the boys. Lately she’s falling apart and trying to lean on me for support. I don’t have the emotional stability to support myself. How am I supposed to support someone else? It has become so hopeless. It feels like it will never get better and our entire lives will be a war that we can’t win.
I’m tired of getting emails from my son’s teacher of his unacceptable behaviors. I’m tired of feeling the horrible churning in my stomach when I know it is my weekend with the kids because I know it will result it my kids emotionally and sometimes physically beating me up.
We are waiting on the results of my oldest’s testing. Hopefully that will be the ammunition we need to bring to the school to help get the proper placement for him. He doesn’t belong in public school and I feel so badly for his teacher who has to put up with him disrupting her class every day.
My youngest doesn’t want to come to my house at all. Whenever he’s here he starts screaming and crying that he wants to go home. How do you argue with that? He doesn’t want to be here and he’s starting to hate and resent me because he has to come here. I’ve tried to convince my ex that by forcing him to be here we are ruining any chance of a good relationship between the two of us.
The visits are so much easier when I have one at a time. They fight so much that they become escalated then the fireworks start all over again.
I’m so tired of the battle.