I’m feeling very low today. I’ve spent most of my day in bed. I get up for a little while and find myself going right back and going back to sleep. I got up about 45 minutes ago and ate something and I’m really struggling to keep myself up when all I really want to do is go back to bed again. I was having really bad dreams. When I sleep too much I usually have bad dreams.
I don’t have therapy at all this upcoming week which is unusual for me. I have a weekly group and an individual T. Group is cancelled because of the holiday and I can’t fit my individual T in because of my TMS appointments and work.
I have all day today, tomorrow, and Monday with nothing at all. No work because of the weekend and the holiday. I have such a hard time with unscheduled time. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything.
After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.
I’m not sure how I am doing today. I’m stuck at home because of a snow storm and I hate being so isolated. Sometimes it’s so hard to live alone. I ended up taking a two hour nap. Not because I was tired but because I just didn’t want to be awake and deal with how I was feeling. So I guess that means I’m not doing that great. Back to work tomorrow then 10 days off from work. I really hate school vacations. It’s just too much time for me to deal with.
While I was napping I had a dream about my son. He was hurt and I couldn’t help him. It was a horrible feeling and I woke up feeling so sad. I haven’t seen my kids much. My ex is so emotionally aggressive with me. I don’t understand why she thinks that my kids would be better off without seeing me but she knows how to make me feel like the worst parent in the world. It breaks my heart and I really miss my kids. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I haven’t written anything in a very long time. I’ve been very low and really struggling with getting my medication right. I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday. I really like him. He comes across as a very brusque guy but he always spends the time to find out what’s is going on in my life to try to get my medication right. I don’t think I’ve ever had an appointment that only lasted 15 minutes even though that’s what they are scheduled for.
I met with him yesterday. He pulled out a new sheet and told me he was writing the opening sentences that they have to write to show we actually met and he said, “so atypical bipolar…”
I think he noticed the shocked look on my face because he said, “We’ve discussed this right?”
Ummmm no we haven’t. So he told me that because antidepressants don’t work for my depression (I’ve tried 22 different meds) and because Remeron actually made me manic that I definitely have atypical bipolar. He said if I didn’t the meds wouldn’t have made me manic.
That really threw me. He diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder last year and that was hard to swallow too. You like to think that it’s just depression. That you don’t really have a mental illness. Now I have a dual diagnosis.
It has me freaked out.
I spoke to my psychiatrist about the nightmares I’ve been having. As I’m falling asleep I feel like I’m still awake but things are happening but I can’t wake myself back up enough to move. He explained it as hypnagogic sleep paralysis. It’s definately due to the medications I’m taking. He said that it’s not dangerous and it actually happens to a lot of people. Hey yeah that’s great but they suck and they are really scary but it’s good to know they won’t hurt me beyond scaring the crap out of me.