First I found out that my copy for Brintellix is going to be $45 a month. That really sucks for a medication that doesn’t feel like it’s helping. Right now I’m on 10 mg but tomorrow I’m supposed to go up to 20 mg. We’ll see if anything changes. I’ll keep the updates coming.
I had my second appointment for EMDR today. There are different ways to do it; with a light, progressive counting, tapping, or vibrating ovals that you hold in your opposite hands. We went through them and the one that allowed me to focus on what I needed to focus on was the vibrators. (Heh)
I held one in each hand and one would vibrate for a few seconds then the other one would and so on. I’m going to refer to my therapist as J. It’s his initial and it’s easier than typing out my therapist every time.
So during our first session J took a history. When I went in today he said that we would start with the sexual abuse from when I was five. I have a good memory of it and it’s my earliest trauma memory. I held the vibrators (heh) in my hands and he told me to picture the event like a movie in my head. I didn’t need to talk about it. I could keep my eyes open or close them. I closed them. I just needed to picture it in my head. He had me start the movie before the event started then he counted to 10. At first he counted out loud but it was too distracting for me so he changed it to quietly counting. At 10 he told me to stop the movie. Go the the end after the event was over. Then he told me to breathe and asked me what my anxiety level was. At first it was around 4. Then we did it again but for 20 seconds. Again asking me what my anxiety level was. At first it went up. I barely felt the vibrating thing a ma bobs in my hands. We kept going through it increasing the time each time. After a while my anxiety started to go down. When it got down to 2 he told me to focus specifically on the most disturbing part of the movie. My anxiety went up again but we continued to do the time build up until the memory seemed to get fuzzy. I felt myself focusing more on the vibrators and less on the memory. It started to get sort of fuzzy and my anxiety level dropped down to zero.
He said that we were done for today. J said that when we meet again we will go through that event first to see if there is any anxiety left before we move on to another event. He said that some events might need to be broken up into multiple sessions but that it doesn’t usually happen that way.
I don’t know how I feel about it yet. He said I might dream about it or it might bring something else up. I definitely felt relaxed at the end of the session instead of anxious like I expected. It was tiring though.
It’s amazing how well Remeron works for my depression. It’s like someone comes along and cleans the dirt off the windows and I can feel the sun again. I had so much energy today. I did well both Saturday and today. I had a bit of a rocky road yesteday but one bad day out of a three day weekend is a million times better than a long weekend of misery.
I’m taking both Remerron and Limictal. When I was on Remeron before I didn’t have any self-control . I was spending money out of control, I was eating out of control. The lamictal is supposed to temper down those uncontrollable urges. Unfortunately I’ve still gained weight; 10 pounds in a month. I now weigh more than I’ve ever weighed. I hate it but how can I go back into that dark hole again. The first thing everyone jumps on is why don’t you excersize more. I’ve managed to develop horrible achilles tendonitis. My primary care doctor has me on 800 mgs of ibuprofin 3 times a day to try to reduce the swelling. It’s torture on my stomach and I’m on strict rules to limit my activity. I’m even supposed to keep my walking to a minimum.
I will be seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I’m hoping he has some thoughts that will enable me to stay on the Remeron but help with the weight.
I want to feel good. I want to be able to do things around my house. I like that I’m excited about my plans for my yard. I want to plant a vegetable garden and flowers. I have a great back yard for landscaping that I have so many ideas for. If I sink back into the depression all those plans will be impossible. I really hope that Dr. E will be able to help.
I feel pretty good today. I’ve actually done some work I needed to get done around the house. I like feeling productive, but even more than that I like when I have the energy to be productive.
Hopefully I can continue feeling good. I’d really like to paint either later on today or tomorrow. I’ve needed to paint my office since I moved in I just haven’t been able to get myself to do it.
Probably a five today.
450mg of Wellbutrin
7.5 mg of Remeron
1.5 mg of Klonopin
I was worried about dropping half a mg of Klonopin, I even asked my doctor about withdrawal. It seems to be okay so far.
10. The well is gone. I can’t even remember what it felt like to be in it. It’s nirvana, pure joy; not needing, not wanting.
9. I don’t need to run anymore
I don’t need to run anymore. If I try I can remember the well existed but it barely enters my brain. I’m happy and content. I don’t need to walk or run away from anything. I don’t need to look for anything to feel good. I am happy just to be.
8. Running away from the well.
I’ve started to run. The memories of the well are starting to fade. I can feel joy and happiness. My muscles feel strong and even if a wall appeared before me I know that I could almost fly over it?
7. Walking away from the well.
I’m walking away from the well. I know it’s behind me but hope has me moving further and further away. I need to keep going and I’m feeling the freedom from the shackles the well had on me. I feel good and strong. Happiness dances in my brain.