Falling apart TMS is obviously not working #depression #bipolar New blog post

I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.

I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.

I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.

Some days I’m just not okay #depression #bipolar #selfharm New blog post

I had a really bad morning. I ended up self harming today. I’m not proud of it. Some days it’s all I can do. I wanted to scream “I AM NOT OKAY!” But who would I scream it to and what good would it do.

There are times I really hate how dependent I feel on therapy. I don’t have group or individual this week. I couldn’t fit my individual in because of the TMS and group is cancelled because Monday is a holiday. I feel an amazing amount of stress about not having anything at all. I hate that I am so stressed about it.

I didn’t do anything productive today or yesterday. I slept almost the entire day yesterday. At least I managed to stay awake today. I am doing a little better now than I was doing this morning. I distracted myself for a while by chatting with a friend on the internet and it brought my mood up a little bit.

I’m frustrated because I was really hoping that the TMS would be showing some results at this point and I’m actually feeling lower now than I was when I started. It’s not good.

Tough day today #depression #bipolar New blog post

I’m feeling very low today. I’ve spent most of my day in bed. I get up for a little while and find myself going right back and going back to sleep. I got up about 45 minutes ago and ate something and I’m really struggling to keep myself up when all I really want to do is go back to bed again. I was having really bad dreams. When I sleep too much I usually have bad dreams.

I don’t have therapy at all this upcoming week which is unusual for me. I have a weekly group and an individual T. Group is cancelled because of the holiday and I can’t fit my individual T in because of my TMS appointments and work.

I have all day today, tomorrow, and Monday with nothing at all. No work because of the weekend and the holiday. I have such a hard time with unscheduled time. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything.

It’s tough when you find out your parents were mentally ill #bipolar #schizophrenia #depressiom

Both my parents died a long time ago. It’s been 25 years since my father died. I don’t know a lot about him. Today my brother told me that he had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and was manic depressive. Obviously they call that bipolar now. I didn’t know this about my dad. I remember him “going away” for a while. I thought he went to dry out. Turns out he had a nervous breakdown. I didn’t know that either.

I don’t know what mental illnesses are inheritable and which ones aren’t and honestly I’m too tired to look on the internet right now. I guess I’m in shock. It’s hard learning new things about your parents when you are 43. My brother said that he has paperwork that states those diagnosis.

I guess I am amazed that I’m not more messed up than I am. I don’t know how to process this. I’ll bring it up with my therapist.

It’s so hard when everybody is dead. What do you do when life = pain #depression #death

In group last night we talked about death. I should say that other people talked about death and I was triggered. I lost both my parents when I was young. One when I was in high school and the other when I was in my 20s. They both died from alcohol abuse. Alcohol use, abuse…what’s the difference.

My mother died from cirrhosis of the liver. When we cleaned out her apartment we found so many empty vodka bottles hidden around her house. She lived alone. Why the hell did she hide her bottles. She could have thrown them away in a black trash bag and no one would have known. Instead she was so deep in her addiction that she had to hide them. Even from herself. She was only 55 when she died alone, on the floor of her apartment.

My father died while I was in high school. I knew something was wrong. We didn’t see him much those days. My parents were divorced and we were teenagers so dinner with good ole dad wasn’t high on our list of things we wanted to do. We went to dinner with him and he looked like a skeleton. He looked anorexic. We asked him what the hell was going on. We could tell that something was wrong. He blamed it on his new dentures. He should have blamed it on his drinking.

He died, alone in his apartment. He was only found when his neighbors stated to smell his rotting corpse. The idea horrifies me. How long was he lying there dead? How long does a body take to smell that badly? It was April so it wasn’t hot or cold. I can’t get it out of my head that he just died there and wasn’t found until he smelled.

My parents were not good parents. They were both very wrapped up in themselves and didn’t have a lot of time for my brother and me. It felt like we were just left to raise ourselves. There were so many times that I needed a parent and my parents were never there. Not when they were alive and obviously not when they were dead.

They divorced when I was 9. It was horrible. They used us in every way possible to get at each other. All of those rules of what you aren’t supposed to do to your kids during a divorce…my parents did just the opposite. They played us against each other. They put us in the middle of their fight. They yelled at us and blamed us if they thought we were on the wrong “side”. I got this treatment the most. My brother would just play the sides. Whomever he was with was who he agreed with. I couldn’t do that. I was so angry. I hated being used.

We used to have to spend every weekend at my father’s apartment. I hated it. My father moved every year so we never got to know any of the kids in the area. I always hated those visits. I hated being forced to be there. We were always so bored. Unless my father got really drunk. Which he did often. There were times when it was so bad that we would call our mother because we were scared. She loved that. She loved having that ammunition against him. When she picked us up he would follow us out of the apartment screaming at us and screaming at her. Calling her a whore, a cunt… It was terrifying for me.

Then he died. When I was at my father’s funeral I asked my brother how long he thought mom would live. I knew that alcohol was going to take her too. It did, ten years later she died.

My brother and I never got along. We fought constantly as kids. He was pretty violent with me when we were kids. He had such a bad temper. He punched a hole in my bedroom door once when I was a teenager. When I complained to my parents about being beat up or him attacking me I got blamed. “Why do you instigate with him?” “Just leave him alone.” As I was bleeding. They never protected me from anything.

I still react so poorly to the whole thing. I don’t know how to come to terms with it. I hurt, and I still hurt that they never loved me like they should have. I guess that’s why I got so triggered in group last night. I’m still angry about my parents. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to move on.

Really struggling today. The worst part of living alone is being alone. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.

My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.

The worst part of living alone is being alone.

Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.

I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.

It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.

I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?

Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.

Brintellix #brintellix Day Thirteen – New Blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

Brintellix 10 mg day thirteen

Remeron 22.5 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg

Side effects
I’ve had a couple dizzy spells. I had to stop walking in the hallway and lean against a wall because I felt like everything was spinning. I had eaten and drank so I wasn’t dehydrated and I didn’t have low blood sugar.

I’m feeling okay today. I was feeling okay yesterday. That’s definitely better than miserable. I spent time with other people yesterday and today. The real test is if I feel okay when I’m alone and if I can motivate myself to get things done when I’m alone.

I had group therapy yesterday and one on one therapy today. I feel like I really got a lot out of both. That’s a lot of therapy in two days.

I haven’t felt like self harming since I did last on New Year’s Eve. It feels good that I have been able to keep from hurting myself.