I’m so miserable. I hate that I feel this way. I’m sure that part of it is the upcoming holidays. I don’t do well with family holidays. People don’t understand why I don’t want to go to someone else’s house with a bunch of people I don’t know. The truth is those times I have gone to a friend’s house I’ve just felt uncomfortable with all those family members I don’t know. It always felt so shitty.
I hate that I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I always emotionally overreact to perceived slights. My group therapist made a comment the other day that made me feel so rejected and hurt. I know that I am emotionally overreacting. I didn’t react out loud. I drove home in such misery that I didn’t share at the time. I will bring it up at our next group because I need help to not feel this way. I really hate that little things hurt so much. They send me into this horrible tail spin that I can’t get out of.
My doctor upped my med doses and added Wellbutrin back in. I had started smoking again. When I was on Wellbutrin before it didn’t help with my depression but it made cigarettes taste like shit so I quit without even trying. Every now and then I would try a cigarette but it would taste bad so I wouldn’t want another one. Well now I’m not on the Wellbutrin and I’m feeling horrible and stressed out so I picked up a cigarette and it didn’t taste bad so of course I picked up another and another. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will work again. I really don’t want to smoke.
I read a book recently “The Re-education of Cameron Post” it was a great book but it made me so sad. In the book a girl’s family sends her to a re-education camp to stop her “homosexual tendencies” the book made me so sad. I feel like I’m really struggling with my sexuality right now. I feel so alone and feel like my personality is why I am that way.
I’m also struggling to not self-harm. The urges are so strong and I don’t understand why I can’t wrap my head around how stupid the behavior is. I’m so tired.
Today is National coming out day. I came out as gay when I was 26. Most of my friends told me that they already knew. My mother cried but said she figured. My brother said, “So what.” I now identify as bisexual. Struggling with my identity is a big part of my issues around my depression.
People will joke that bisexuals get to pick from men and women so it should be so easy to find someone. What they don’t realize is that the other person has to be okay with the idea that their lover has been with men and women. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve been single for a long time and being alone is so horrible. I feel so isolated.
So many things to talk about I’m not sure where to start. In my support group Dr. G has been talking about how important it is to be honest with the people we care about. I haven’t shared my self harm with anyone. It is my biggest shame. My biggest skeleton in my closet. What 40 year old uses self harm as a coping mechanism? It’s so embarassing. I feel so immature,so embarrassed by it. It took me a long time to share it with my therapist. Then it took me even longer to share it in group. Dr. G is the psychologist who leads the group when I said that know one in my life knew about my self harm he told me that I should reconsider that. He told me that there are people in my life for a reason and that I need to let them in. That by holding parts of me back I can never be truly close with anyone.
I don’t have any family besides my children so my close friends are the only family I have. I decided to talk to my closest friends. It was so scary. I was afraid that I would scare them away. Who wants to be friends with a freak? And I do feal like a freak. So I told my friends. It wasn’t easy but they are my friends for a reason. It took them a bit to understand. There was some misunderstandings. I had to continue the conversation the next day after talking to Dr. G because I was unsure about some things that came up that I ddin’t know how to deal with, but everything is cleared up now and I’m glad I talked to them.
The end result is that I feel closer to my friends and I don’t have any secrets from them. It’s important to have people that you can lean on about the scary parts of yourself.
The second part of my post today is about Anderson Cooper. I’m glad he came out. There are so many young people who need to know that it is okay to be gay and for every adult that hides their sexuality there is another teen that thinks there is something wrong with them. I’m glad he came out. Hopefully there will come a day when the term “coming out” will be an old term that won’t be needed anymore.
I started going to a theraputic support group last night, I was petrified. It’s one thing to spill your insides all over the floor to a therapist. It’s something completely different to do it in front of 8 other people. It’s a good group and it feels right. I think I can end up feeling like I belong there, hopefully the other people in the group will also feel like I fit in.
I work in a high school. There were a bunch of boys that had been hanging out after the bell to move on to class. Today like the other days I told them that they needed to get moving that I knew they had somewhere they needed to be. As the group was walking away one of the kids said, “With that short hair and all those piercings she must be a faggot.” I actually couldn’t believe it. I didn’t see the kid who said it but one of my students did and she went to the camera room to point him out to the dean. She said that she was so upset that the kid said that to me. I was so proud of her for standing up for me.
I’m not sure why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I got called a dyke once walking down a street in Boston. Someone yelled it out the window of their car. It was quite a while ago and I don’t remember how it made me feel.
They actually asked me how I wanted him punished, how the hell should I know. They were willing to suspend him, in the end I told them to give him an in-house suspension, but only if he understood, really understood, how bad it was.
“Many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.”
This breaks my heart. Think of all the living that 14 year old had left.
I came out in my late 20’s. Everyone who knew me wasn’t surprised. I dressed in comfortable clothes, shopped in the men’s departments and preferred work boots instead of high heels. I had been in a couple long-term relationships with men that ended for other reasons, not because of my sexuality. I had a few short term relationships with women. There is always a straight girl wanting to “try it out.”
Then I ended up in a long term relationship with a woman. We got married and had a couple of kids. The relationship didn’t work out.
Now I find myself in a weird place. I’m attracted to men. My divorce was so bad that right now I could’t imagine getting mixed up with a woman again. It has been quite a while since my divorce. I find myself “coming out” all over again.
I use a few different terms to describe it…
Swimming in either ocean
Not declaring a major
Haven’t picked a team
This may get some people upset but I don’t like the term bisexual and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because people understand being attracted to either men or women but people don’t seem to understand just being attracted to people. I am attracted to a personality first. Don’t get me wrong there are specific parts of men and women that I find attractive, but not in a relationship kind of way.
It may not be something that I have to understand. I’m not in a place right now where I can put any energy into a relationship. It would be nice though.