It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.
I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.
I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.
I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.
I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.
I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.