Klonopin 1 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Ambien 10 mg
I start Depakote tonight. I’m worried about the long list of side effects and how sensitive I am to all the medications. I really need the help though. I can’t stand it anymore.
The Fetzima made me totally hypomanic – mixed mania. I was sobbing all the time, or I would be frustrated and angry. I also felt hyper sexual witch was just frustrating. I was having trouble staying asleep even with the Ambien. I felt weak and shaky all the time. It just sucked. It also made me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t eat until late in the day. By then I would be so hungry that I would be binging. It wasn’t good.
I stopped the EMDR. The therapist wasn’t really doing EMDR. He was doing progressive counting which is a short cut version of EMDR which I think is total crap. Whenever someone tries shortcuts with me it doesn’t work. He didn’t build up any trust with me first. He just started right into the trauma work, then when we had a bad incident there wasn’t any trust to pull from. I felt re-traumatized from what happened and I don’t want to go through that again.
I feel broken. I’m tired of feeling broken. Maybe some day we will find the glue to put me back together.
Fetzima 40 mg
Saphris 5 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
I’m a mess. I’m crying all the time. I can’t handle any stress or any emotion right now. I’m bursting into tears and fighting tears all the time. I know it’s the Saphris but I don’t know if I should give it some time or if I should call my doc now. Well, not now. Next week I guess. I don’t see him until April 10th and I know I can’t handle feeling like this for two more weeks. I’ve been on it for seven days. Is crying a side effect or is that how I am going to feel on this medication.
I had a bad reaction in emdr the other day. I couldn’t get my anxiety/fear down. I just kept getting worse. Finally we just stopped. It was so difficult to leave feeling worse than when I went in.
First I found out that my copy for Brintellix is going to be $45 a month. That really sucks for a medication that doesn’t feel like it’s helping. Right now I’m on 10 mg but tomorrow I’m supposed to go up to 20 mg. We’ll see if anything changes. I’ll keep the updates coming.
I had my second appointment for EMDR today. There are different ways to do it; with a light, progressive counting, tapping, or vibrating ovals that you hold in your opposite hands. We went through them and the one that allowed me to focus on what I needed to focus on was the vibrators. (Heh)
I held one in each hand and one would vibrate for a few seconds then the other one would and so on. I’m going to refer to my therapist as J. It’s his initial and it’s easier than typing out my therapist every time.
So during our first session J took a history. When I went in today he said that we would start with the sexual abuse from when I was five. I have a good memory of it and it’s my earliest trauma memory. I held the vibrators (heh) in my hands and he told me to picture the event like a movie in my head. I didn’t need to talk about it. I could keep my eyes open or close them. I closed them. I just needed to picture it in my head. He had me start the movie before the event started then he counted to 10. At first he counted out loud but it was too distracting for me so he changed it to quietly counting. At 10 he told me to stop the movie. Go the the end after the event was over. Then he told me to breathe and asked me what my anxiety level was. At first it was around 4. Then we did it again but for 20 seconds. Again asking me what my anxiety level was. At first it went up. I barely felt the vibrating thing a ma bobs in my hands. We kept going through it increasing the time each time. After a while my anxiety started to go down. When it got down to 2 he told me to focus specifically on the most disturbing part of the movie. My anxiety went up again but we continued to do the time build up until the memory seemed to get fuzzy. I felt myself focusing more on the vibrators and less on the memory. It started to get sort of fuzzy and my anxiety level dropped down to zero.
He said that we were done for today. J said that when we meet again we will go through that event first to see if there is any anxiety left before we move on to another event. He said that some events might need to be broken up into multiple sessions but that it doesn’t usually happen that way.
I don’t know how I feel about it yet. He said I might dream about it or it might bring something else up. I definitely felt relaxed at the end of the session instead of anxious like I expected. It was tiring though.