Having a difficult day – New Blog Post #depression #tms #bipolar #selfharm

After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.

I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.

Really struggling today. The worst part of living alone is being alone. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.

My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.

The worst part of living alone is being alone.

Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.

I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.

It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.

I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?

Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.

Alone, invisible, in pain – new blog post #depression #BPD

I’m having a really hard time. I feel invisible. I know that if I died it would take days for someone to notice. Longer if it was a school vacation and I wasn’t expected at work.
Both of my parents died alone. It was days before they found my father. He died on his couch and no one found him until the neighbors noticed the smell. What a horrible way to die.
I don’t feel very different from my parents. They were both lonely people and they left this world alone and lonely.

I tried to get noticed on twitter but it seems like I’m invisible. No one is seeing me.

What a Grinch I am – new blog post #depression #loneliness #holidays

Ugggg I can’t post this anywhere else because I don’t want anyone who knows me IRL to know and I forgive all of you for skipping this entirely because I’m about to be Grinchier than the Grinch.

Christmas has become such a painful chore for me. I don’t speak to my brother (his choice) and my parents have both died so the only family I have are my two young kids who spend the holiday with my ex because this time of year has me completely falling apart.

It sounds so selfish but I don’t have anything to open. I have two friends from work who get me gift cards but there isn’t anyone in my life who gets me something with any meaning (I’m not being material it would just be nice if someone cared enough to get me something thoughtful).

From Thanksgiving all the way through my birthday is just an emotional mess that I can’t wait to be over and that breaks my heart because I used to love the holidays. (Before 2006 and my divorce) I don’t even decorate anymore.

End of my pity party, hopefully you didn’t read all this crap.

New Blog Post – When #depression is winning #parenting #autism #FAS #RAD #BPD

It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.

I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.

I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.

I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.

#selfharm fell off the wagon – new blog post

My head hurts. I don’t get headaches very often. I would actually call them a rare event for me. Tonight I have a headache. I hadn’t self harmed since April, Easter actually. That was when I cut myself and needed stitches. I had never hurt myself that badly before. I had also recently started burning myself. It was really bad and my mental health team ended up deciding that I should start Naltrexone. It takes away the endorphin high from pain.

One of the main reasons I haven’t cut in so long is that I didn’t want to let down my therapist, my group therapist and my psychiatrist (my team). I’ve been fighting the urges pretty badly lately. I call it white knuckling.

Tonight it was all just too much. Luckily I wasn’t able to find my sharp knife. I guess I hid it really well. The cuts aren’t deep but they are there and I made them. quite a few of them. I feel ashamed that I wasn’t able to keep myself from cutting. Even with the shame, it felt good. I hate that it feels good. I hate that I am starting over again. I feel like I’m too old to be this stupid.

#Holidays suck for singles with no family

I hate holidays. I really hate holidays. I have two kids but they spend most holidays with my ex because I always fall apart at the holidays.

It starts with Thanksgiving and goes all the way until New Years. Months of feeling so sad and depressed. I never had a solid family when I was growing up. Both my parents were alcoholics. Between alcohol, the divorce, and the constant fighting everything just became a bad memory. Holidays don’t instill in me any warm and cozy feelings. They just make me feel sad and hollow.

I’ve tried to create new memories with my own kids but nothing seems to work to make holidays a positive event. I realized that it was kinder to let the kids stay with my ex.

I try to spend holidays at friends’ houses but I just end up feeling awkward with the whole family vibe that I don’t understand.

I went to bed last night at 6:30 and slept until 6:30 this morning. I can tell when my depression is revving up because I just want to sleep all the time. The days feel too long. It makes it hard not to self-harm. I haven’t in a really long time but I really really want to. I want to hurt outside like I hurt inside. Then maybe the pain inside won’t hurt so much.