Luvox – doing okay today. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

Luvox 75 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Ambien 5 mg as needed

I’m feeling okay today. I actually managed to get a lot of household chores done this morning which feels like a miracle because it’s usually so hard for me to get up enough energy to do anything. I’m wondering if it’s the Luvox.

I’m doing okay with not having side effects. We had tried it at 100mg but I couldn’t sleep. I was also taking it at night and it was activating me. I wonder if I Adan go back up to 100 mg now that I’m taking it in the morning and I do have the Ambien if I need it. I can’t take the Ambien all the time though because it wears me out. Even though I sleep good it makes me tired the whole next day.

I’m hoping I can hold onto this.

I’m working on getting rTMS as well. I should be doing it this summer.


Valentines day for unpopular kids #valentines

When I was in grade school we would decorate a paper bag to hang in the classroom for valentine’s day. There were no rules about giving cards to everyone so you got a lot of cards if you were popular and you didn’t if you weren’t. I remember seeing all my classmates with big, full bags and I would only have maybe three or four cards in my bag. It ALWAYS hurt my feelings. It always made me feel ugly and not liked. Why would they do this to kids?

I’m single, I’ve been single for a long time. I hate being single.

Alone, invisible, in pain – new blog post #depression #BPD

I’m having a really hard time. I feel invisible. I know that if I died it would take days for someone to notice. Longer if it was a school vacation and I wasn’t expected at work.
Both of my parents died alone. It was days before they found my father. He died on his couch and no one found him until the neighbors noticed the smell. What a horrible way to die.
I don’t feel very different from my parents. They were both lonely people and they left this world alone and lonely.

I tried to get noticed on twitter but it seems like I’m invisible. No one is seeing me.

New Blog Post – When #depression is winning #parenting #autism #FAS #RAD #BPD

It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.

I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.

I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.

I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.

#Holidays suck for singles with no family

I hate holidays. I really hate holidays. I have two kids but they spend most holidays with my ex because I always fall apart at the holidays.

It starts with Thanksgiving and goes all the way until New Years. Months of feeling so sad and depressed. I never had a solid family when I was growing up. Both my parents were alcoholics. Between alcohol, the divorce, and the constant fighting everything just became a bad memory. Holidays don’t instill in me any warm and cozy feelings. They just make me feel sad and hollow.

I’ve tried to create new memories with my own kids but nothing seems to work to make holidays a positive event. I realized that it was kinder to let the kids stay with my ex.

I try to spend holidays at friends’ houses but I just end up feeling awkward with the whole family vibe that I don’t understand.

I went to bed last night at 6:30 and slept until 6:30 this morning. I can tell when my depression is revving up because I just want to sleep all the time. The days feel too long. It makes it hard not to self-harm. I haven’t in a really long time but I really really want to. I want to hurt outside like I hurt inside. Then maybe the pain inside won’t hurt so much.

My son’s diagnosis #FAS #ADHD #learning #RAD new blog post

We met with my son’s neuro doc today. She gave us the results of his testing. It feels so hopeless. He has so many problems. How does one little boy with two divorced parents and an autistic brother overcome all this?

It’s scary when the doc tells you that your son isn’t safe. That we shouldn’t ever leave him alone with his brother because he has no impulse controls and could really hurt him.

The doc told us that our son’s frontal love is so underdeveloped that he’s almost entirely living in his amygdala. That means that he’s almost primal in all his responses. She also said that his working memory is significantly lacking.

It is all so overwhelming.

Axis I:​ ​Reactive Attachment Disorder
​Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
​Mood Disorder-NOS
​Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – NOS
​Cognitive Disorder-NOS
​Learning Disability – Written Expression, Reading Comprehension, Basic
​Reading, Mathematics Computation

Axis III:​Frontal lobe weaknesses, neurological/developmental delays due to prenatal exposure to alcohol, processing speed inefficiency, weak working memory, slow graphomotor speed, weak sustained mental control

Axis IV:​Orphanage living, noise sensitivities, academic weaknesses, word retrieval difficulties, weak social skills, parent separation, school related anxiety