I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve done five weeks of TMS and I actually feel worse today than I did when I started. I’m a mess. I’ve self harmed the past two weekends and I feel like I want to again today. I feel very anxious and unhappy. My mood level is sinking. I was a five when I started TMS. I’ve sunk down to a four and I think I’m sinking down to a three today.
I don’t know what do to with myself. I want to go back to bed. I feel lost. It’s like I can’t find a path right now.
I didn’t have therapy last week and no access to therapy. The TMS takes up every afternoon and prevents me from finding the time. I find that when there is no option for therapy I am more stressed out about not having it. If the option is there I’m okay with not having it. I don’t like how dependent on therapy I feel.
Today is my 12th day of TMS. It’s been 16 days since I started. I’ve been really low and sad. I have an issue with self-harm but I hadn’t cut since April. Unfortunately I cut on Sunday. All last week it was banging at my brain, not the TMS, the need to self-harm. I actually feel lower than when I started the TMS. I know someone who is also doing TMS and they said that they had a dip before it started to get better. I hope so. I really thought this would be an answer.
My motivation is really low. My mood is really low. I feel cranky and irritable. I ended up waking up with a headache this morning. That doesn’t happen to me very often but it such a crappy way to start the day.
Feeling even lower. Probably down to a three. I’m really sad and irritable today. The irritability worries me because when I become hypomanic I get really irritable. I’m hoping it’s not a result of the TMS.
I have three friends who I’ve been close to for 20 years. In a month or so I will be starting TMS and I wanted to tell them about it. As I was talking about it I noticed the looks they gave each other that they didn’t think I noticed. It really hurt my feelings. Instead of giving each other these looks why didn’t they just ask me if they were concerned or had questions. I mentioned the looks to one of my friends when we were alone. She said that they were just concerned about me. Yes, but we just spent all this time talking about how the problem in our mutual friend’s relationship is the lack of communication and then you do the same thing to me.
At one point I mentioned that I felt like I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager.
One of my friends commented, “but you were fun to hang out with back then.”
I said, “Am I fun to hang out with now?”
She said, “Sometimes.”
Depakote 500 mg
Naltrexone 50 mg
Ambien 10 mg
Klonopin 1 mg
Luvox – 25 mg starting tonight, increase 25 mg every three nights until 100 mg
Falling apart. I can’t get out of bed. I can only spend about three hours awake at a time and I’m so miserable and tired that I just go back to bed. I have thoughts of death. My therapist asked me today about it because he was worried. I’m a parent; I would never do that to my kids. As unhappy and miserable as I am I would never do that to them. It would be unthinkable.
My therapist called my psychiatrist today. He decided to add Luvox. I’m worried reading that there are people online who have posted that it makes them exhausted. I’m already so tired. I can’t imagine being more tired than I am now.
I can’t do anything. I can’t shop for food, I can’t go outside and enjoy the weather. I can’t clean my house. I feel bad for my pets because I can barely take care of them forget give them any attention.
I’ve been on the lowest dose of Depakote for a week. I’m supposed to up my dose today. I’m not okay. I’m struggling with my low mood. I’m so damn tired of feeling this way. If I had a crystal ball that told me I would always feel this way and nothing was going to help I would tap out. I hate feeling like this.
Spending time with people sometimes helps in the moment but not always. Yesterday I had a long day with people and I found myself sinking into sadness randomly throughout the day. I would just feel overwhelmed by it.
We are on school vacation and have the next week off. I hate vacations. I can’t handle all this time. Although lately I can’t handle work anymore either. I feel overwhelmed by every little bit of stress at work. I used to feel like I could handle stress pretty well. Now I feel like it knocks me flat.
I finally slept well last night for the first time all week. I’ve been waking up at three in the morning and struggling to fall back asleep.
Sometimes I wonder of all these medications have made me worse rather than better. I don’t remember having such bad anxiety before I was on medications. What would happen if I slowly tapered off everything. I can’t feel worse than to do right now. I know the medications are not helping me.
I start Depakote tonight. I’m worried about the long list of side effects and how sensitive I am to all the medications. I really need the help though. I can’t stand it anymore.
The Fetzima made me totally hypomanic – mixed mania. I was sobbing all the time, or I would be frustrated and angry. I also felt hyper sexual witch was just frustrating. I was having trouble staying asleep even with the Ambien. I felt weak and shaky all the time. It just sucked. It also made me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t eat until late in the day. By then I would be so hungry that I would be binging. It wasn’t good.
I stopped the EMDR. The therapist wasn’t really doing EMDR. He was doing progressive counting which is a short cut version of EMDR which I think is total crap. Whenever someone tries shortcuts with me it doesn’t work. He didn’t build up any trust with me first. He just started right into the trauma work, then when we had a bad incident there wasn’t any trust to pull from. I felt re-traumatized from what happened and I don’t want to go through that again.
I feel broken. I’m tired of feeling broken. Maybe some day we will find the glue to put me back together.