New Blog Post – When #depression is winning #parenting #autism #FAS #RAD #BPD

It really feels like the depression is winning these days. I’m struggling with my kids. Their issues just seem so overwhelming. Autism, Fetal Alcohol syndrome, Reactive attachment disorder… it’s all too much. When I adopted I never thought it would be this hard.

I’m so lonely it hurts. I feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Someone asked me if I liked myself…no, I don’t like myself. I feel like I fail in so many things. I feel like I’m failing my children. I am not the parent I wish I was and it makes me feel so horrible. My guilt is so intense.

I did some research online. I’m trying to find services for my autistic son and it was all so confusing. I was fighting back tears. It feels like I can’t help him and he ends up not wanting to spend time with me because I don’t know how to relate to him and I don’t know where to go for help.

I tried to go to a parent support group tonight. It was advertised in the groups section in my local paper. I called…cancelled tonight. At first the woman on the phone had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve tried to find a group and every time I try either no one shows or the group has been cancelled… I need help with my kids and I don’t know where to get it.

I feel like I whine all the time on my blog but I don’t want to whine to the people around me. I am in pain and this is the only way I know how to get that pain out without self-harming.

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be in pain anymore.


#Parenting – #FAS #autism #RAD new blog post. It’s hard not to give up

I am having a really hard time with my kids. My ex has always been very solid with the boys. Lately she’s falling apart and trying to lean on me for support. I don’t have the emotional stability to support myself. How am I supposed to support someone else? It has become so hopeless. It feels like it will never get better and our entire lives will be a war that we can’t win.
I’m tired of getting emails from my son’s teacher of his unacceptable behaviors. I’m tired of feeling the horrible churning in my stomach when I know it is my weekend with the kids because I know it will result it my kids emotionally and sometimes physically beating me up.
We are waiting on the results of my oldest’s testing. Hopefully that will be the ammunition we need to bring to the school to help get the proper placement for him. He doesn’t belong in public school and I feel so badly for his teacher who has to put up with him disrupting her class every day.
My youngest doesn’t want to come to my house at all. Whenever he’s here he starts screaming and crying that he wants to go home. How do you argue with that? He doesn’t want to be here and he’s starting to hate and resent me because he has to come here. I’ve tried to convince my ex that by forcing him to be here we are ruining any chance of a good relationship between the two of us.
The visits are so much easier when I have one at a time. They fight so much that they become escalated then the fireworks start all over again.
I’m so tired of the battle.

New blog post #RAD #FAS #Autism

My oldest son was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. He also has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and severe ADHD. My youngest son has Autism, severe ADHD and severe anxiety. How am I supposed to be a parent to all this? How am I supposed to survive thus journey?

I remember adopting my boys. All I could see were the possibilities. I thought about them going to college, about them getting married some day. I saw a future. Now I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of how difficult their lives will always be. I’m afraid that they will end up on drugs, in jail or dead. I want good things for them but I can no longer see those things in their future. I’m so afraid that I’m not up to the task of being their parent.

How do I deal with all this? I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is so hard. I wish I could curl up in a ball in the corner with my arms over my head and just give up.

Everyone asks how my kids are doing. What do I tell them? That my youngest son told me to fuck off? I thought that wouldn’t happen until high school…he’s only eight. He tells me he hates me. I know other kids tell their parents that but I believe him. I believe that he hates me. He throws things at me and hits me. It’s so hard.

My other son steals, lies, hurts other people…he stabbed his teacher with a pencil. What do I do with that?

I wish I knew what to do. How will I survive this? How will they?

Special needs children – part two – new blog post #parenting #autism #BPD #depression #FAS

Arrrg I just had to bring my youngest to my ex’s house, it was either that or the emergency room. It was world war three in my house for the past two days. He was so escalated that he was holding a folding table over my other son’s head, he kept swinging and kicking at both my other son and the dog. He was smashing whatever electronics he could get his hands on… And this is the other son, not the one who stabbed his teacher. I really am at the end of whatever rope I have.

My own mental health problems are so hard as it is. Depression, self harm, BPD. I’m so damn tired.

Two behavioral #specialneeds children, one #BPD #depressed parent. #Autism, #FAS New Blog Post

I have two boys, 8 and 9. They were both adopted very young and now they both have really bad behavioral health problems. My youngest has autism and can be violent, he beat the shit out of me before, the oldest one has partial fetal alcohol syndrome, reactive attachment disorder, severe ADHD and a mood disorder, and we are in the process of getting neuropsych testing done. My youngest is in a special school, it took two years to fight the public schools to pay for that and now we are in the same process with my older son. Yesterday he stabbed his teacher with a pencil, on purpose, because he was angry. It’s so overwhelming. Have I mentioned that I’m single and although my ex has primary custody it is still amazingly difficult to be a single parent of two severly special needs children.

I feel like I’m just whining but the stress gives me chest pains on some days. It’s so hard.

#FAS #Autism New blog post

My kids are both adopted, my younger son has autism. My older son recently went through some testing. We don’t have all the results back yet but we now know that he has fetal alcohol syndrome. My poor kids, I can’t imagine that life will ever be easy for either of them. The prognosis for kids with FAS is so poor. My heart is broken. The weights on my shoulders just keep getting heavier. I’m having such a hard time dealing with my own mental health issues, it’s such a struggle that both my kids have such severe health issues too.
We will know more when we get the rest of the test results. My stomach is in knots. I’m so overwhelmed by life in general. Some days it seems like all I can do is get up in the morning.

Only one parent #autism

I’ve been having an extremely hard time with my autistic son. He lives with his other mom and just visits me. Lately he’s been having a harder and harder time controling himself. He’s been getting too hard for me to handle alone. He behaves differently with his other mom, she’s better with him than I am. He flipped out at me again the other day. These days every visit is a flip out.

The last visit He was throwing things at my head, swinging at me, telling me that he wanted to stab me with a knife, and saying that I belonged in jail.

I wish I knew what to do, between my own mental health issues and his I am completely overwhelmed. We cut the visits down and actually stopped them last week. We’ve stopped them occasionally to give us both a break but we’ve always started them back up.

Today my ex told me that my son told her he wants a dad. A child of two moms occasionally asks that but she asked him why. He said because he only has one parent. She asked him what he meant that he has two moms. He said that she was his only parent that he wouldn’t be seeing me anymore.

… That sound you just heard was my heart breaking into little pieces.

Right now I’m completely shut down. I’m not emotionally feeling anything. I’m numb. It’s not good for me to stay in this place for too long. Self harming has been the way I come back from this, but I’m not going to do that. At least I’m going to try to not do that. My therapist has said that when the emotion is too much to bare that you need to stay in the moment. Feel the emotions that they can’t stay that horrible forever. But what do you do when you’ve shut down. Sitting with my emotions now is meaningless because I’m so overwhelmed that I’m not feeling anything. How does that get better?