Depression is evil. If you suffer from depression people get frustrated with you. They think that it’s a choice. The last thing I would choose is to have no motivation. Right now I can’t do anything. I can’t clean my house, do my dishes, play with my animals…
I spend so much time in bed that I’ve begun to hate my bed but I can’t keep myself from going back over and over again. I spent most of today in bed. I haven’t done anything productive. I have prescriptions to fill but I can’t leave the house. My bed feels safe but I don’t know what I need to feel safe from.
I haven’t had a call from a friend all week. I feel lost and unhappy. I don’t want to call anyone because when I’m this depressed I tend to isolate myself. I hide away from people.
I don’t know what to do with myself and I can’t stand living in my own skin.
People support other people when they have illnesses that they understand. I know people who have made dinners to help people, who have helped them with their houses. None of this happens when you struggle with mental illness. I’m expected to get over it. When it’s really bad I just can’t. I can’t do anything. I wish I felt supported by people I’m not paying to support me. My therapist supports me but I pay him to.
I had a conversation with the TMS doctor today. I’ve been steadily getting worse since I started it. My weekends have been horrible. I’ve never heard of anyone getting worse from doing TMS but it looks like I am getting worse.
I was talking to my therapist last night. He said that I was doing better before I started and I seem to have been dropping very steadily since I began the TMS. After I thought about it I had to agree with him. I guess I was hoping it could still work but at this point if there is no improvement after 25 sessions at all then it is very doubtful that there will be any improvement at all.
So I am going to go through Friday and if I still have no improvement I am going to stop. I am sad to have another failed attempt at coming out of depression. It sucks so bad to struggle with this all the time.
After 15 days (3 weeks) of TMS I was hoping I would be doing better than I am. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was all I could do to keep myself from self harming. I’m doing a bit better today but still feeling low and sad. I have little hope at this point that this is going to work for me.
I spent a good part of yesterday sleeping. Not because I was actually tired but because I couldn’t stand how I felt in my own skin. I ended up dreaming about my kids and that just made me feel worse because I miss them so much. I feel like I want to sleep now for the same reason.
Today is my 12th day of TMS. It’s been 16 days since I started. I’ve been really low and sad. I have an issue with self-harm but I hadn’t cut since April. Unfortunately I cut on Sunday. All last week it was banging at my brain, not the TMS, the need to self-harm. I actually feel lower than when I started the TMS. I know someone who is also doing TMS and they said that they had a dip before it started to get better. I hope so. I really thought this would be an answer.
My motivation is really low. My mood is really low. I feel cranky and irritable. I ended up waking up with a headache this morning. That doesn’t happen to me very often but it such a crappy way to start the day.
Feeling even lower. Probably down to a three. I’m really sad and irritable today. The irritability worries me because when I become hypomanic I get really irritable. I’m hoping it’s not a result of the TMS.
Day six today. I’m feeling low still. Probably a four.
The pain didn’t feel like much of anything today. The doctor said after a while you get used to it. He was right. I was a little worried going back after a couple days off. I thought it would hurt a lot again but it didn’t.
So today was the last day of my first week of TMS. I’m feeling pretty low today. Maybe a four on a scale of 1 – 10
No side effects beyond the sensitivity of the top of my head. It’s mild though and I can only feel it occasionally. The pain wasn’t that bad today. I wasn’t as cranky as yesterday and I’m sure that is related to my tolerance level. No headache after the treatment was over.