I had been doing really well with not self harming. I hadn’t cut since December 31, 2013. I cut today.
A few months ago I had given all my tools to my therapist. I went around and found every implement I could find that I could use to cut. Every pocket knife, every razor blade, every box cutter. Today I was desperate and I tore apart my tool box and found a box cutter.
I spent most of the morning lying in bed thinking about not cutting. I guess that’s the same of trying to avoid thinking of a pink elephant by thinking about a grey one. It didn’t work.
Now my thigh stings and I just want to go back to bed.
Wow, I am really having a bad day. I can’t sleep because the damn Fetzima is too activating. So I was in a really bad bad place. The box cutter wasn’t sharp and I just gave myself some shallow cuts earlier. I was still very weepy and struggling. I was digging in a drawer for something and I found a packing package that came with a box marker and a brand new box cutter that I didn’t know I had. I dragged it across my arm to see how sharp it was and I was surprised how sharp it really was. I ended up using it to cut my other thigh and gave myself a pretty good cut. Finally it was enough to get me to stop crying. So now I have 6 shallow cuts on one thigh, a cut on my arm, and a deep cut on my other thigh. So yeah, I’m falling apart.
I really think I need to get off the damn Saphris but I’m afraid to just stop it because I know I can’t sleep on the Fetzima. I could call my doc but it’s the weekend and I know I’ll just get the on call doc. I doubt that my doc is the on call doc and whenever I talk to another doc they never seem to have any good advice.