Self harm – fell off the wagon – New blog post #selfharm #cutting

I had been doing really well with not self harming. I hadn’t cut since December 31, 2013. I cut today.

A few months ago I had given all my tools to my therapist. I went around and found every implement I could find that I could use to cut. Every pocket knife, every razor blade, every box cutter. Today I was desperate and I tore apart my tool box and found a box cutter.

I spent most of the morning lying in bed thinking about not cutting. I guess that’s the same of trying to avoid thinking of a pink elephant by thinking about a grey one. It didn’t work.

Now my thigh stings and I just want to go back to bed.

Update

Wow, I am really having a bad day. I can’t sleep because the damn Fetzima is too activating. So I was in a really bad bad place. The box cutter wasn’t sharp and I just gave myself some shallow cuts earlier. I was still very weepy and struggling. I was digging in a drawer for something and I found a packing package that came with a box marker and a brand new box cutter that I didn’t know I had. I dragged it across my arm to see how sharp it was and I was surprised how sharp it really was. I ended up using it to cut my other thigh and gave myself a pretty good cut. Finally it was enough to get me to stop crying. So now I have 6 shallow cuts on one thigh, a cut on my arm, and a deep cut on my other thigh. So yeah, I’m falling apart.

I really think I need to get off the damn Saphris but I’m afraid to just stop it because I know I can’t sleep on the Fetzima. I could call my doc but it’s the weekend and I know I’ll just get the on call doc. I doubt that my doc is the on call doc and whenever I talk to another doc they never seem to have any good advice.

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One thought on “Self harm – fell off the wagon – New blog post #selfharm #cutting

  1. Elma Phko says:

    Unless you feel like you’re in actual danger (most cutters know how to hurt themselves without ‘hurting’ themselves,) then wait until you can get a hold of your doctor. Get a hold of him/her as soon as you can, though. I’m in the same boat, between doctors and waiting for the referral to go through, and I’m not sure my meds are working right either. Hang in there, and keep the wounds clean. Instead of thinking about not cutting, try to do something difficult and/or very productive to distract yourself. Try giving the blades to someone, hey? And I’m here to talk if you need it.

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