Really struggling today. The worst part of living alone is being alone. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.

My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.

The worst part of living alone is being alone.

Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.

I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.

It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.

I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?

Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.

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3 thoughts on “Really struggling today. The worst part of living alone is being alone. New blog post #depression #bipolar #bpd

  1. cranberrykin says:

    Yep, I can relate. I hope you feel better soon.

  2. I really feel for you. Really really really!!! I live alone too and I know how hard it can be. Be kind to yourself, please!

  3. Your post really hit home for me today. I often feel all I do is whine whine whine and bitch bitch bitch without doing anything about it but people don’t realize how HARD it is to DO something about it. Keep your head up and carry on 😀 I know cliche but it’s what I had to do yesterday when I got hit with a bought of suicidal ideation and wanted to crawl in bed and cry myself to oblivion. I will send positive thoughts your way! You are not alone in this struggle I can assure you that.

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