I’m having a really hard day today. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I’m struggling because all I really want to do is go back to bed and I’ll probably end up doing just that.
My car is still completely covered in snow. I haven’t shoveled anything since the last snow storm. I can’t seem to move. I hate that I have so many days of nothing ahead of me. Working in a school is great except for all the vacations and days off. I need to be at work. At least at work I am distracted from being so unhappy. There are also other people there. I’m not isolated like I am when I’m home.
The worst part of living alone is being alone.
Still taking the Brintellix. I would think that by now I would be seeing some positive affects. Wanting to spend my day in bed is not a good indicator that this medication is not going to work for me.
I have therapy tomorrow night but I have nothing until then. It seems so far away.
It makes me wish I could cut. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s not a good coping mechanism but if it didn’t work no one would do it. My therapist has all of my tools. I gave them to him to take any the easy access. I could take apart a shaving razor. That’s desperation right there. I hate the idea that if I do it I have to tell my therapist, my group, and my psychiatrist. Part of what has been keeping me from cutting is the idea that I have so many people that I have to tell.
I hate that everything is such a struggle. I wish I knew what it was like to not struggle like this. To feel connected with the world and to be happy. I want to find joy. It’s been so long since I’ve truly felt joy. Why? Why does it have to be so hard?
Whine, whine, whine… I want to tell myself to shut the fuck up and get over it. I wish I could. I really wish I could.