My head hurts. I don’t get headaches very often. I would actually call them a rare event for me. Tonight I have a headache. I hadn’t self harmed since April, Easter actually. That was when I cut myself and needed stitches. I had never hurt myself that badly before. I had also recently started burning myself. It was really bad and my mental health team ended up deciding that I should start Naltrexone. It takes away the endorphin high from pain.
One of the main reasons I haven’t cut in so long is that I didn’t want to let down my therapist, my group therapist and my psychiatrist (my team). I’ve been fighting the urges pretty badly lately. I call it white knuckling.
Tonight it was all just too much. Luckily I wasn’t able to find my sharp knife. I guess I hid it really well. The cuts aren’t deep but they are there and I made them. quite a few of them. I feel ashamed that I wasn’t able to keep myself from cutting. Even with the shame, it felt good. I hate that it feels good. I hate that I am starting over again. I feel like I’m too old to be this stupid.