I hate holidays. I really hate holidays. I have two kids but they spend most holidays with my ex because I always fall apart at the holidays.
It starts with Thanksgiving and goes all the way until New Years. Months of feeling so sad and depressed. I never had a solid family when I was growing up. Both my parents were alcoholics. Between alcohol, the divorce, and the constant fighting everything just became a bad memory. Holidays don’t instill in me any warm and cozy feelings. They just make me feel sad and hollow.
I’ve tried to create new memories with my own kids but nothing seems to work to make holidays a positive event. I realized that it was kinder to let the kids stay with my ex.
I try to spend holidays at friends’ houses but I just end up feeling awkward with the whole family vibe that I don’t understand.
I went to bed last night at 6:30 and slept until 6:30 this morning. I can tell when my depression is revving up because I just want to sleep all the time. The days feel too long. It makes it hard not to self-harm. I haven’t in a really long time but I really really want to. I want to hurt outside like I hurt inside. Then maybe the pain inside won’t hurt so much.