I’m so miserable. I hate that I feel this way. I’m sure that part of it is the upcoming holidays. I don’t do well with family holidays. People don’t understand why I don’t want to go to someone else’s house with a bunch of people I don’t know. The truth is those times I have gone to a friend’s house I’ve just felt uncomfortable with all those family members I don’t know. It always felt so shitty.
I hate that I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I always emotionally overreact to perceived slights. My group therapist made a comment the other day that made me feel so rejected and hurt. I know that I am emotionally overreacting. I didn’t react out loud. I drove home in such misery that I didn’t share at the time. I will bring it up at our next group because I need help to not feel this way. I really hate that little things hurt so much. They send me into this horrible tail spin that I can’t get out of.
My doctor upped my med doses and added Wellbutrin back in. I had started smoking again. When I was on Wellbutrin before it didn’t help with my depression but it made cigarettes taste like shit so I quit without even trying. Every now and then I would try a cigarette but it would taste bad so I wouldn’t want another one. Well now I’m not on the Wellbutrin and I’m feeling horrible and stressed out so I picked up a cigarette and it didn’t taste bad so of course I picked up another and another. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will work again. I really don’t want to smoke.
I read a book recently “The Re-education of Cameron Post” it was a great book but it made me so sad. In the book a girl’s family sends her to a re-education camp to stop her “homosexual tendencies” the book made me so sad. I feel like I’m really struggling with my sexuality right now. I feel so alone and feel like my personality is why I am that way.
I’m also struggling to not self-harm. The urges are so strong and I don’t understand why I can’t wrap my head around how stupid the behavior is. I’m so tired.