This past week has been the roughest week I’ve had all summer. I’ve done a good job of keeping busy this summer but I’ve just run out of things to do. Money has gotten tight and I can spend anymore until my paychecks start again. It’s tough to be a teacher and to only receive checks during the school year.
I’ve been reading a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder. I know my therapist said that there’s a spectrum and that I’m far out on the spectrum but the more I read the more depressed I become. There is such a stigma attached to have BPD. I thought having some other mental illnesses had stigmas attached but from my reading BPD seems to be one of the really rough ones. It hasn’t helped my mood.
I can definately see some of the symptoms of BPD. I definatly have a fear of abandonment but I believe that I come by it honestly. Both of my parents died when I was pretty young. How can someone not fear being abandoned when both of their parents have died and left them?
Identity disturbance such as a significant and persistant unstable self-image or sence of self. I really struggle with my sence of self. I’ve struggled with my sexuality, finally settling on calling myself bisexual to avoid the stress of it. I definately struggle with self-esteem issues.
I guess I could go on and on but it just depresses me. I don’t tend to flare up at people, I don’t get outwardly angry but I do turn that anger inward and that’s when I self-harm. I also talk little things personally and I’m very easily hurt. Those little hurts eat away at me and I suffer them.
I read somewhere that having being borderline is like having the emotional sensitvity of a person with third degree burns. Also where a normal person may register a hurt as a 3 on a scale of 10 and quickly go back down to a 1 a borderline will register a 9 and will sit at that 9 for a long time before being able to go back down to that 1. I can relate to that. It always seems so hard to let go of things. I never tell anyone that I’m hurting, I just tuck myself away somewhere and suffer until it goes away.
Last week in group something happened that hurt. So I talked about how I felt hurt. Dr. G. said that he knew I was feeling hurt by it. I mentioned that I normally don’t say when I’m feeling hurt by something. Someone said, “Yeah, but your body language says it all.” but that’s not true. I’m the type who runs and hides so no ones knows I’m hurt. I can remember doing that all the way back to kindergarten. I’m upset that someone just assumes to know what I would do. I’m trying to be honest in group and I get bashed for it.