I was doing really well for a few weeks but I feel like I’ve crashed into an emotional brick wall. There’s a constant tightness in my chest that I can’t seem to shake. I’ve tied the feeling to anxiety but the anti-anxiety meds aren’t helping right now. For the first time in the past few months I’m really white-knuckling to get past the urges to harm. I don’t want to hurt myself. I want the scars to heal. I hate that I know that cutting or burning will take this horrible feeling away from the middle of my chest. I know that it’s not the answer. I’m really struggling with intense lonliness right now.
I work a job that doesn’t run year round so I end up with a lot of vacation time. I’ve struggled so hard in the past to get through the summers. I was really hoping that my meds would help me this summer. I had finally found a good med combination that felt like it was really working for me until summer hit. Now I’m floundering again.
I’m completely broke until payday and that always adds to my stress level. I actually had to borrow money from a friend to fill up my gas tank so I could make it to the end of the week. Being able to go shopping is one of the things that I can do to make myself feel better.
I don’t see my therapist until Friday. It’s amazing how long two days can seem when you feel desperate.