Before I start I want to shout out to my visitors from other countries, I’ve had visiters from Argentina, Ireland. England, Israel… It’s very cool to see all the different countries.
My doctor started me back on Remeron. This is the medication that worked really well but caused me to gain 25 pounds in two months and caused me to go on huge shopping sprees. I had no self-control. He added Limictal to the Remeron, he’s hoping that the Lamictal will temper down the self-control issues of the Remeron. I’m already feeling better but I’m already gaining weight. I weigh more now than I’ve ever weighed in my life. It’s so frustrating. I have a huge (pun intended) weight problem. My BMI puts me in the morbidly obese category. I could literally die from being too fat. It doesn’t help that I have achilles tendonitis. I can’t take part in any excersize right now. My doctor is worried that any excersize could exacerbate my tendon issues. Hey that’s great, I’m hugely fat and I can’t even take the dog for a walk because I might rupture my tendon.
It was all I could do last week not to give up on all this shit. I spend $210 a month in copays between the weekly group therapy, the weekly DBT (which I just started but I hate), the biweekly one-on-one therapy, the monthly meeting with my psychiatrist and all the medications. I could lease a new car for that amount of money.
I’ve also left my appointments lately very frustrated. Two and 1/2 years I’ve been in therapy. I feel like I should be feeling some positive affects but I’m leaving my appointments angry and frustrated. I really don’t like the DBT, the psychologist who is doing it with me has only been through it with a couple people and she spends half the time reading directly to me out of the book. I’m an adult and I can read, I don’t need to pay someone to read to me. It doesn’t feel like she’s ever prepared in advance for me. I teach, if I taught like that I’d have riots in my classroom. I’m going to give it eight sessions, two down six to go, if I still hate it I’m going to drop it.
Group has also been frustrating, last week a woman was talking about how much she hates that her daughter has gained weight. She was making comments to her daughter that were going to make her extremely self-conscious of her weight. She was also worried that she couldn’t love her daughter as much if she got fat. I’ve always believed that I’m unloved and unlovable because of my weight and here is someone telling me that it’s true. I left group feeling horrible. I wanted to self harm because I felt so incredibly bad about myself. How is this supposed to help me?
With all the negative crap I did have a good day yesterday. I actually had the energy to get things done in the yard and I spent a nice few hours with my boys.
As an obese person it just