I haven’t written in a while, I had a really rough night at group back on the 23rd and I’ve been holding back writing about it. One of the guys in the group was talking about his recent break up. He was talking about his isolation, how alone he felt. He was worried that he would be alone, that he wouldn’t be able to find someone. This is a young, good looking guy. I’m an overweight, unattractive middle-age woman. I could feel his feelings. It was overwhelming me, I had started the night in a good place but these feelings began to pull me down.
Dr. G asked me what was going on and for some reason the events that lead up to my only suicide attempt were on my mind. I told the story of giving up everything then moving half way across the country to be with someone only to be dumped. I was stranded, I was behind on all my bills. I was so many miles from home and my car was going to be reposesed. I called so many people, they tell you when you are feeling suicidal to ask for help. I asked everyone I knew for help. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was living in the backroom of a woman’s house I barely knew because she felt bad for me after the break up. I was so alone, I felt so isolated and there was no one who could help me. It sounds so weak now, but back then I was so overwhelmed. I ended up drinking a 6 pack of beer and taking 60 sleeping pills. I didn’t know you could survive after taking 60 sleeping pills. I meant to die. This wasn’t a cry for help. This was the only way out that I could find.
Obviously I didn’t die but the pain of that experience was teriible. The next day I ended up having a panic attack. I fell back into the same hole. It was awful. I’ve never had a panic attack before.
Yesterday I told my therapist about the incident about how isolated I felt, how hopeless. I feel that way a lot these days. The isolation is always hanging over me. Even when people are around me I struggle with the idea that it will end too soon and then I’ll be alone again.
Tomorrow is mother’s day. It’s a doubly painful day for me. My relationship with my mother was horrible. She didn’t protect me from my stepfather, she wasn’t there. Her alcoholism was so bad that I despised being around her or even talking to her on the phone because she was always drunk. My relationship with my own kids is rough because I feel like such a horrible parent. Their special needs are so intense and my emotional state is so bad right now that I’m struggling to be there for them. I’m feeling it from both sides.
I just want to crawl in bed and give up this weekend. I already slept too much today and my dreams were very disturbing – no help there.