Spring break is almost over, I did have a good day yesterday. I went out with some friends for a birthday, It was one good day out of nine. That’s not a good ratio. The first few days of my week off were horrible, I was barely able to function my depression got so bad. I made sure I had at least one thing all the other days so I wouldn’t fall into that hole again. Either group, therapy, or I went into work even though I could grade from home I knew that I needed other people around me.
I call myself an emotional vampire. If I don’t have another person’s emotions to feed off of my mood sinks to zero, it becomes unmanagable.
Today is the ony day I didn’t have anything scheduled and I’m definately sinking, struggling.
My psychiatrist put me on naltrexone. It blocks the endorphins that your body produces when you take opiates, it has also blocks the endorphines released by self-harm. He’s hoping that the lack of reward will lessen my urges to cut.
The other day I accidently burned my hand on soup, it poured over my hand. The pain was indescribable and it wouldn’t go away. I had my hand in a bowl of ice water for 90 minutes. If I tried to remove my hand from the water the pain became to intense. I blame the naltrexone. Normally when you are hurt your body releases endorphines to lessen the pain, instead now I get to suffer? I spoke to my therapist about it but he wasn’t sure about the details of naltrexone and doesn’t want me to stop taking it. All I can think is that if I get hurt in any way it’s going to hurt more than necessary than usual. It also means if I ever end up in the emergency room with severe injuries they can’t use any opiods to manage my pain. I’m not thrilled with this and I will have to bring this up with my psychiatrist in two weeks when I see him again.