Today was the first day of spring break and I already know it’s going to be bad. I stayed in bed until almost noon. I only got up when I had to let the dog out. I think I would have stayed there all day if I could have but the damn dog kept barking at me. I guess It’s good I have the dog or I wouldn’t get up at all.
I removed my stitches today. I wasn’t about to pay a copay just to have someone cut the stitch and pull it out when I could do it myself. I still feel really stupid about cutting myself like that and I can’t talk to any friends about it because no one knows that I self harm. It’s not something I want to share. I can tell my therapist, although this isn’t going to please him, and I can tell my support group but I’m not going to tell my friends. I don’t want them thinking I’m soft even if I am.
I started the naltrexone. It’s a medication for opiod addicts to stop the endorphins that makes taking opiates feel good. It can also help those who self harm by not allowing the endorphin release that happens when the person self harms. I love that I’m given something that takes away my only coping mechanism and I don’t start DBT therapy until Wednesday which is supposed to help me create coping mechanisms. Whatever.
The naltrexone gave me a rocking headache this morning. I took a couple advil and it went away. I’m really hoping that I don’t wake up with a headache every day.
I hate that I don’t have any money. Spending money makes me feel good, another one of those coping mechanisms. Except I won’t have any money until Friday so I can’t even go shopping to kill time. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. Day one and I feel so damn low already.