I grew up with two alcoholic parents. They divorced when I was young and holidays were not the large extended family affairs that my friends had, and I was jealous. Both of my parent’s had families but they were far away, my father’s were half way across the country and my mother’s family lived in Europe so there wasn’t any extended family support.
I made a promise to myself that I would have a large family when I grew up. What I didn’t realize was that by not learning how to emotionally connect with people I was destined to be a loner, alone, and lonely. I am easy to get along with, I’m outgoing and gregarious and yet I can’t cross that line from being an acquaintance to a friend. People talk about the cookouts, barbeques and family get-togethers and my heart breaks. Why is it so hard for me? Why am I so lonely, why don’t I have places to go on the weekends and holidays? Why do I always feel like an interloper, a fake?
On Monday people will ask me how my holiday was and I will tell them fine and quickly throw the question back at them. I will hear story after story of family events and I will wonder what the hell I did wrong and why I couldn’t fulfill that dream of having a big family. I will wonder what the hell is so wrong with me.