I started by reading “I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me (Understanding the Borderline Personality)” by Jerold J. Kriesman and Hal Straus. Now I’m reading “The Buddha and the Borderline” by Kiera Van Gelder.
Yes I’m still freaked out.
One of the issues with borderlines (I hate that I’m a label now) is their innability to regulate strong emotions and their struggles with not being able to tolerate being alone. Telling me this diagnosis on a Friday when I have en entire weekend alone to do nothing but obssess over it was a REALLY BAD IDEA.
I feel almost frantic. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to go back to Thursday and not meet with Dr. E. My therapist had called me on Thursday night, which in itself should have made me think something was up. My therapist has never called me except to make or change an appointment. He wanted to know how it went with Dr. E. I think he expected that I was going to get the diagnosis that night and wanted to check in. I didn’t get the diagnosis until I met with Dr. E. on Friday. I didn’t leave the office until after 5:30. I called my therapist and left a VM but I don’t think he checks his VM on the weekends or if he does he thought I could manage this. I am not managing this well.
That bundle of unmanagable emotion is just building up in my chest. I don’t want to self-harm, but I also can’t stand this feeling.
It’s scary reading in the books that a lot of therapists sdon’t like to work with boderlines because they are too difficult. Fuck, I really wish I had someone to talk to right now, someone who would understand.