I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I find that the harder I am struggling the harder it is to write about it. I find myself feeling more alone, more stressed, more overwhelmed…
The anxiety just keeps growing. I wasn’t like this a few years ago. I’ve suffered from low-level depression (dysthymia) for a very long time but I feel like it’s turned into a much deeper depression. I’m finding it harder and harder to do anything. I don’t want to see the few friends I have because I get very frustrated that they don’t understand. I know they don’t understand. I am keeping a lot back from them because I’m tired of them telling me what they think I should do. I’m seeing professionals because I know I need help. My friend’s advice is not helpful, it just feels judgemental. I can’t say anything to them though. I have an overwhelming inability to confront people I care about. I expect that anything I say either won’t be heard or will piss them off.
People will respond to that by saying well then they aren’t really friends at all. They are, they love me, they would do anything for me, they just don’t understand.
My struggles with my children have just gotten harder. I feel like such a horrible parent, my children’s special needs overwhelm me. I know that my relationship with my brother has affected my relationship with my son. When I was a kid my brother used to hit me all the time. He liked to punch me in the nose. My son swings at me when he get’s anxious or scared, it’s his PDD. Unfortunately I’ve got it wrapped up in the way my brother used to treat me and I feel fear. Fear of my little boy. It tears me apart. How can it not.
My other son’s issues are getting worse. He disconnects from reality. It’s like he completely checks out.
People say I’m a saint for “rescuing” children that no one else wanted. It makes it worse. If I could handle them, if I didn’t constantly worry that their issues will put them into residential treatment by the time they are teenagers then maybe I’d feel like I had done something good. Right now I just feel shame and guilt that I can’t help them. I let my ex keep them during the weekends that I should have them because I know that by the end of the weekend we will all be unhappy and miserable.
Feeling constantly overwhelmed has caused my self harm to escalate. Cutting used to be enough but it isn’t anymore. I hate that I can’t stop, that I can’t control it. I’ve been trying to find an in-person support group specifically geared towards self-harm but I can’t find one. I really want to talk to someone who has recovered. Someone older, who harmed when they were older but managed to overcome and stop. Someone who understands what I’m feeling.