I haven’t blogged in a while. I had actually turned my blog private and stopped blogging altogether. You can blame the T.V. show Criminal Minds. I was watching an episode about a killer who tracked women down because of their social media sites and it freaked me out. Silly, I know.
I have been struggling quite a bit the past few weeks. I’m really trying to pull myself up out of this hole I find myself in. I keep hearing the friend that says, “Stop moping” and I wonder if I’m just fooling myself to believe in depression and maybe I’m just moping. But then when I’ve just woken up and I’m already sad I know nothing happened to cause me to mope, it has to be a physical cause.
It has also gotten much worse in the past couple months. I’ve been diagnosed with depression but lately it’s been so hard to keep moving forward. There are days it’s all I can do to get up and go to work. I get up though, no matter how much I’m struggling because I know that my depression will only be worse if I sit home. The biggest problem I have are the days when I can’t work. Weekends, holidays, etc. I can’t control those days. I often have people tell me to keep busy those days, that’s where my depression really kicks in. Unless I have to do something, like go to work, it’s very hard for me to get the momentum up to move.
Today is day two of a week off. (not my choice, it’s school vacation) I was already having a horrible time. There are things I can do; laundry, dishes, vacuum…but I just can’t build up the energy to do those things. A couple months ago I was able to do those things. I’m definately struggling more now than I have been. The thoughts of self-harm were singing around in my brain and I knew that I didn’t want to go that route so I took my newest tattoo design to the tattoo studio and got my newest tattoo. It’s amazing how little pain I feel during the tattoo, I’m sure there’s some psychological reason behind that but it does help that feeling that I struggle with in the center of my chest. The ball of negative emotions that overwhelm me.
I will post the pic of my tattoo tomorrow. Hopefully it will keep me up for a few days.