The moment of clarity to not self-harm

This is a strange story. It’s strange to me at least. I’ve often heard Dr. Drew mention the moment when a addict has that moment of clarity, the moment when they realize they can stop. It’s like a switch gets thrown and they no longer need to use, and never do again.

I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic, amazing with two parents who were, but yesterday I had a moment of clarity that I felt through my entire chest. My addiction is self-harm. It’s my way of coping with emotions that I can’t handle, it’s my way of finding my way back when I’m lost, it’s my way of feeling when I’m numb. Physical pain overrides emotional pain and I cut. I have a lot of shame and embarrasment with this. No one, except my therapist, knows. When I say no one I really mean no one. I’ve never told anyone. I’ve been too ashamed. It’s the biggest skeleton in my closet and I have no interest in letting it out to anyone who knows me in real life. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog. No one who reads this knows me. I’ve never directed anyone here.

The other day there was a girl on Twitter who was going through an emotional crisis. She was posting images of her self-harm injury from a few days before that needed to be stitched up. When I saw her first image I internalized the shame, it was about my self-harm injuries. She didn’t seem to feel it, but I did. She was going through a crisis again and was very public about her crisis. There were quite a few of us who tried to give her advice, but it was her crisis and she needed to deal with it in her own way. She started tweeting images of her new injury. The first image was all the way through the skin, you could see the fat cells. She was saying that it wasn’t deep enough that she wanted to be brave enough to go deeper. As she tweeted the images of her deepening cut I felt it to my soul. Self-harm was how I was dealing with my issues and watching someone else go through it live affected me extremely deeply. She ended up needing stitches again, and when she posted that image I felt it. I felt a true moment of clairty. This isn’t how I want to deal with my problems. There are other ways and I need to find them.

She got upset with me and unfollowed me. I’m not sure if she’ll see this but if she does I hope that someone is able to help her the way she helped me.

I won’t know if this was true clarity until those stressors arise that cause me to self-harm. All I know is that I’ve never felt this strongly about the need to stop. Hopefully it was that moment that the switch was thrown.

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2 thoughts on “The moment of clarity to not self-harm

  1. Yes, It definately took someone elses pain for me to realize that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. I journaled about that moment so I can go back and read it if I’m ever fighting the urge to self-harm.

    Thank you for your comment.

  2. HH, Editor says:

    I hope the clarity stays true. I know that sometimes it’s easier to feel clearer about someone else’s pain. I hope the next time you get an urge, you can remember that moment.
    Take care,
    HH
    Suicide, A Biography

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