The holidays and depression

I hate holidays. I mean I really hate them. I try to stay up for the couple hours that I have my kids but I know they will become overstimulated and meltdown. I finally realized that being unable to have any control when my two boys are in total meltdown mode and the chaos that causes is a huge trigger for me. I don’t do anything while they are here except to try to keep my tears in check but after they are gone it’s a struggle not to self-harm every single time.

They don’t melt down every time I have them but my son with autism definately has more days that he’s melting than days he’s not. I can control a room full of teenagers without any problems but I can’t get two little boys to behave for 10 minutes.

I want so bad for them to have good memories of their time with me I just don’t see how they can enjoy the chaos that just erupts when they walk in the door. I try so hard and feel like such a failure as a parent. It is devastating to my self esteem which is already so low you need a shovel to find it.

I just want them to be happy and I don’t know how to make that happen.

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