Bad times

The last two weeks have been an emotional rollercaoster. I’ve gone from feeling extreme anxiety, to constantly being on the edge of tears, to feeling like I’m in fight or flight mode where it just feels like somthing bad is going to happen.

When the receptionist at the therapists office asks if you are okay you know the depression is hitting hard.

I’ve felt like I can’t regulate my emotions this week. My emotions are controlling me, I don’t like feeling out of control. It leads to drinking and cutting, anything I can do to try to regulate my out of control emotional state. Unfortunately nothing has worked this week. 40 years old and I feel like a teenager who can’t find acceptable coping skills.

My therapist told me that I looked very down today. As low as he’s seen me since my lowest point. And that was extremely low.

So the overwhelming emotional stress of my austic son having daily meltdowns, his older brother egging him on to make them worse and my ex treating me like a coparent one minute then treating me like complete shit the next with sarcasm and emotional put downs isn’t enough, I came home today to realize I didn’t latch the closet in the hallway where the puppy spends his day and he got into the closet and ate ALL of my shoes. I don’t mean just one pair, I mean all of my work shoes. I buy Doc Martins. They last me for years, I had three pairs, brown, black, and winter boots. The dog destroyed them all. He ate my hiking boots and a couple pairs of sneakers just to round out the complete destruction.

All I have left are the sneakeers I was wearing that I can’t wear to work.

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